I'm aware that thinking that I'm going to die of suicide is a morbid stance to have, but like let's be real. I'm mentally ill as shit, and too self aware to not plan out a successful suicide.

Everyone I talk to just shuts me down whenever I wanna talk about this. I already know that it's hard to talk about, that's why I waited until I couldn't take it anymore.

Maybe I'm just screaming into the void. I don't really want to die, but it's seems like as good as an escape as any. It's not like I'm actively trying to off myself, I'm just tired of people making me feel that I'm insane for even thinking about it in a situation like mine. I'll never stop having these thoughts, and I think 10 years down the line, they'll break me. Is it wrong to want to come to terms with that possibility?

Exisiting like this is really painful. I feel like my cuts are never deep enough. Never visible enough. I have a compulsion cut deeper so I can prove that there is something wrong with me. What sane person cuts themselves, right? But I'm scared of doing something that I can't take back. If I mess up, then I have nothing. People will look at me like I'm fucking crazy for hurting myself so much. My parents will tell me that they didn't know it was so bad, that they're sorry. My family will tell me to forgive them, that I have to be the bigger person and bear my pain in silence.

They mean well, but the way they gloss over my feelings is more hurtful than anything else. My friends do that too when I talk about killing myself. I get it. It's hard to talk about. Though, pretending like the problem isn't there makes me feel even more hopeless. I'm the one whose most scared of killing myself, don't I deserve some comfort from the thought too? Oh well. It's comfort enough to know that if it ever gets too much, I can just go to sleep. It's not the ideal way to keep myself going, but it's better than getting shut down again. I think I've had enough of that for a lifetime.