I wasn’t trying to go that far, but I wasn’t scared for it to happen. It was quite an experience!

I’m taking shrooms to heal my brain from treatment-resistant major depression/anxiety disorder. It’s been doing me good! Yesterday was time for another good dose for therapy. Our buddy’s shrooms are weak. It takes 7g to get me to a moderate dose. I decided to try 8g to get me to a high dose. Well, it pushed me all the way to a heroic dose. Oops!

I started off enjoying time with my family and seeing the swirls on my ceiling dance. When I was ready, I bundled up in my bed (do yall get really chilly when tripping?), put an eye mask on, and drifted off. My husband came in and asked if I wanted to talk, or just be in my mind and I asked for the silence.

I started off with my normal experience of lights, twisting visuals, and confusion about my sensory inputs. I relaxed and let myself go. I don’t know how long it took, but I lost all sense of anything. I couldn’t feel my heart beat or my lungs breathe. At one point, I couldn’t even think words. They got all twisted up and jumbled into nothing before they could become anything. I had no body, no mind, no family, no life. I never existed, i did not exist, I would never exist. I wasn’t scared. I was just a seed.

I started to come back out. I could hear things around me. I could hear words and footsteps. They felt familiar but still unknown. I could sense things but couldn’t understand. I was lower brain taking in inputs without a higher brain to process it. I was an embryo, then a fetus, experiencing my environment. Then a very loud gust of wind outside (there was a storm) started me out of my revelry. It was like everything around me was brand new, yet familiar in a way.

My husband recommended I get in the shower with the lights off because he heard it was trippy. I struggled to strip. I couldn’t remember how to do it. I was moving my arms and hands in wrong directions. I finally got it though. My husband tried asking me what I was experiencing, but I couldn’t talk. I got in the shower and closed my eyes and yep, it was trippy! I could feel water trickling in swirls around me. Water fell up, down, and sideways. I relaxed and became one with the water. I became a water goddess. I was the river, coursing around bends and over waterfalls. I was the ocean traveling the world in currents ands crashing on beaches.

I then became aware that the water was turning cold and I brought myself out. I wanted to clean myself, but I was still so awkward. I was an infant learning to use its limbs. My brain was rebooting, learning how to be all over again.

For the rest of the evening, I struggled to follow conversations and couldn’t remember what I was doing, but I could finally remember who I was, my life, my family…love. I am thankful for the experience. It was interesting ceasing to exist and then being born all over again. I’m not sure I’d want to go that deep again, but I’m not sorry I did.