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I just feel bad I guess in a way. Context: some concussion issues, jobless, moving out of my mom's house soon, have had some trauma regarding sexual abuse when i was gery young. Kinda just looking to feel better, I've taken mushrooms before and felt the afterglow.
The thing is though; I tend to feel the greatest after bad trips. I have had good ones where I've felt fantastic and didn't feel the glow as much. And other ones where it's been hard, and still no glow. Last night was kind of the definition of a bad trip, it sounds so scary but it all makes sense to me.
I've been having some dark thoughts lately. My mom and I have always lived together and its just weird entering a new part of my life with so much unknown that needs to get figured out. I've been smoking too much weed. I've been watching stories about famous comedians that die. I've been sleeping so much. Very depressed leading up to it.
The trip: impulsively went to go to one of the illegal shroom stores they have around here. Picked up a quarter of penis envy but the lady gave me Mexican cubensis instead. Oh well I thought. Got some food and headed home. this was around 10PM. Did the shroomies and wrote this message to a lady that I owed some money too. My mom came home a half hour in and I was starting to feel it as she was getting home. It felt like she kinda knew, so that's where my trip took a bit of a turn and I just kinda wanted to listen to music and be in my thoughts, while just chilling in my room.
The music was good and did give me such great euphoria. It's such a weird thing feeling the euphoric jolts run through your body.
I have had some tough moments lately regarding family and wanted to process some of that. That's when things took a turn and I started to think some tough things.
I've had these sort of thoughts before when I've tripped and it's very weird. It's almost like a concern that everybody is sexually attracted to me. My family. My friends. It's odd.
I came to the conclusion, thats just life. People are born with that innate desire for another sex and those feelings are allowed to come up but need to be suppressed.
I was on and off with the music, sometimes feeling I needed the distraction and sometimes feeling like no, I just want to be in my thoughts now.
That specifc sort of " this or that " scenario led to me to even more black or white thinking.
I need to stop doing drugs or I'm gonna die.
I need to keep breathing or I'm gonna die.
I need to make noise or I'm gonna die.
Eventually got some thoughts about how the only thing that we spend or use that is value, is our energy we bring into this world.
I ended up getting sad though because i visually hallucinated my family talking about me dying doing drugs, just like famous people. it was so scary hearing them talk in an accepting way.
Over the course of this, I also kinda peed myself and then just kinda tried to sleep it off which I eventually did thankfully.
I guess my question is this; why is it that I crave such dark trips in order to induce this after glow? is that okay? do you guys do that?
Thanks for listening to me story.
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