A flight attendant discovers a pair of binoculars which let her see every banjo in Budapest -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- Wednesday, May 18th, first class flight to Budapest, Hungary. I was the lead flight attendant on this plane. At 8:32pm we hit the first batch of turbulence. As a regular flier this was not shocking. But what made it so interesting was what happened after. -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

“If only I had found some money, or even an old photo album. Anything would have been better than this. This was such a useless gift. Why would I ever need this?” These were the thoughts going through my mind after the blitz. I only call it a blitz because there are few other words to describe this event. Maybe a catastrophe? No, that makes it sound like a 9/11 type deal. This was more of a Matrix deal. Well, not really. I don’t know. But it changed my life. Here’s what went down, first was the breathing. Labored breaths sounded from the vents on the ceiling. When I first heard it, I worried it was a passenger. But soon I learned, from close inspection of the rows, that everyone was sound asleep. This is where it gets weird. I only felt the tingling in my toes, at first. I assumed there was small snakes currently engulfing my toes, but again, after a small- no, large shriek (don’t want to minimize the scare I gave the passengers) I found nothing. At this point, I’m wondering if I double dosed my lexapro this morning. Of course, all my concerns were only heightened when a Frank Sinatra song was being aggressively playing on repeat and no one else could hear it. “Wow” I’m wondering. “I need to talk to my psychiatrist.” Shortly after this thought, something fell out of the air vent and slammed me right in the noggin. When I look down, what I saw was even more surprising than anything else that happened that evening. I saw a bright blue pair of binoculars. “What?” I thought. I was completely flabbergasted. I picked them up and, obviously, I look through them. I am instantly hit with the fattest whopper of a headache I’ve ever had. I whip them off my face faster than you can say “tortilla”! I hadn’t even processed what I saw before my coworker, Leroy, yells at me! Now, in all honesty, I have not a single clue what he was yelling at me about, all I know is I left something doing ya da ya da, and so on. I yell back, maybe a little too loud because now the passengers are glaring at me because this is the second time I’ve woken them up. It’s not my fault though, he is always yelling at me! By now I’ve completely forgotten about the binoculars and the strange occurrences surrounding it. At some point, though, I slipped it in my Lisa Frank fanny pack.

Once the flight landed, I was ready to take my break in the airport. Maybe get a bagel, some Rolling Stone magazines. My walk towards the Einstein Bagel stand (which I didn’t know they had in Hungary. You learn something new everyday!) was interrupted by my airline supervisor. “Lindsey, you disrupted 12 out of 15 of the first class passengers. I know you and Leroy butt heads, but these were FIRST CLASS passengers, Lindsey! We already have 3 complaints about you, and this was your fourth and final strike. I’m sorry, but I must terminate your employment with us.” He said with a sad but relieved look on his face. When I tell you my jaw was on the floor, I mean they needed a janitor to clean up my drool. That’s a slight exaggeration, but my point still stands. Of course, I tried reasoning with this man. I offered my WHOLE PACK of Marlboros. He was upset I had them in the airport in the first place, which is so ungrateful. I’m trying to compromise, douchebag. But anyways, as a responsible 22 year old, I ask about my flight home. “About that” he said. “We are not doing any flights back to Tampa, Florida for a 2 days. Look, the airline company can lend you some currency, but that’s the best we can do. Truly sorry about this one kid.” I hated when he called me kid, he was 28 years old. That is literally 6 years apart, asshat. As you can tell, this guy is not particularly my type of person. Six months ago, when I first started working this job, I thought he was kinda cute. I actually asked to switch shifts so he would be my supervisor. At my pity, this didn’t go well for me. Lucy, my original supervisor, was a very mean woman. She was 63 and sharp as a knife. She could tell within seconds if I had even a sip of whiskey before a flight. I have no idea how, but it didn’t work with my lifestyle. Anyways, I decided to call my mom for advice. By the 3rd ring, she bitch bumped me! In her defense, I did steal a $600 Micheal Kors bag from her and sold it to the pawn shop a block down for about $570. Not a bad deal for me, but I forgot it was my dead grandmas that’s she passed down to my mother. Me and her aren’t on the greatest terms. But she still should pick up for her daughter stranded in Budapest! No matter how peeved she is. Get over it, Mom.

Now I am now sitting in a Einstein Bagel stand in the middle of a country I’ve never lived in, stuck for 2 days. The LAST thing on my mind is my fanny pack. But a strange ringing sound erupts from the pouch, shocking me so much that I drop my bagel on the linoleum floor. I rush to unzip my bag, revealing that the once blue binoculars are now bright red. “What the actual dog shit shenanigans is going on here” is the instant thought racing through my mind.

(This is all i have so far. Any constructive criticism is welcome. Any other title ideas?)