So this happened today. It didn’t start today but it happened today. It started months and months ago on tinder when I swiped a girl I thought was kinda cute. We swapped Snapchats and then nothing. Until last week when I was feeling especially lonely, I messaged her just for the company. Since then we’ve been messaging everyday, the conversations seem to drag out over multiple days like a chess match played via carrier pigeon, each of my messages carefully thought out to try to be the best I can.

I’m sure for her it comes naturally, but for me I make so much effort with each message. This morning I woke to the torrential rain outside. I checked my phone straight away to see if she’d come to her senses and cancelled yet, she had messaged but only to say we would have to push back out meet-up time as she had a problem with her house but she’d get it sorted.

I tried to act cool, I went about my normal morning routine and was secretly smiling to myself about how the day might unfold. “You can get here for about half 10” she sent me. It got real then because until this point she had just been a name and a bitmoji on my screen, but at 10:37 she was across the street.

She wasn’t the type of girl I usually go for, not that I can afford to be picky, but she was so different to me. But my god she was gorgeous! Long black hair flying around in the wind like it was trying it’s hardest to get away from the gleaming smile on her face. Jeans, trainers and a coat, so simple and yet on her it looked flawless.

“Heyyy.” I was gone, luckily when she said it she was putting on her seatbelt so she didn’t see my stupid face extend like it was being stretched from the eyebrows up and the jaw down. Her accent was incredible. My stomach felt like it weighed as much as the car I was in. With my hand on the wheel to hide the shaking I replied “hey, you alright?” With the pseudo confidence rarely seen outside of the intoxicated.

I went to drive but I stalled. How embarrassing, how much worse can I get? Oh yeah I stall again. What a great start? Way to make an impression. Third time lucky though I managed to creep the car out of her street while asking for directions out of her estate like I was an Uber and with the professional tone in my voice to match.

Half an hour later though I was settled, I had asked all the questions I had thought of before I woke up that morning. Flickering between “so what surprised you most when you first moved to this country” and “what’s your favourite dinosaur” I was just as much a mess as I was 30 minutes ago.

I drove her to a small town in the countryside where I had planned on telling her about my experiences there and showing her the river that flows through the centre, the medieval buildings and the history on offer. However, as we arrived I just drove past all that at the speed limit while talking about how I was failing my duty as the tour guide for the day.

It’s amazing how differently things work out in real life vs inside your head while you lie in bed at 2am. The romantic meal on the side of a river turned into a very greasy fish and chips ate in the front of my car while staring into a shop window.

What am I doing?! Here I have one of the most genuine, sweet, beautiful and charming girls I’ve met in my life and I’m smashing battered cod down my throat like it’s a competition. There’s no way she’s having a good time, she can’t be having fun, she probably only smiles and laughs at my jokes so that I’ll take her home after I’ve spent my time with her.

Just as quickly as we arrived we left, it was half way over and I wasn’t ready for that. We listened to music on the way back with the occasional quick short conversation, usually ending in some sort of dad joke by me and her with a smile and a stare that just said “I can’t believe you said that” but in a good way.

Back at her house, I made an excuse not to drop her off in the middle of the road but instead to park up, clinging to any hope that she might possibly invite me in just so our time wasn’t over.

“So when are you free next?”

What?! First of all you want to see me again? Even after that shambles of a ‘date’ you want to endure me again? Then the realisation that she wasn’t going to invite me in. My mood went down, up and down again as fast as my breathing must’ve been the last time I was here earlier in the day.

“Uhhh, I’m not sure, I’ll let you know later.”

How generic. Truth was that no matter what I would’ve made sure I was free for whenever she was but I couldn’t say that to her. I’m not even sure if she liked me or she’s being nice until she shuts her front door and can block me from her phone. But, this time without stalling, I drove away feeling defeated, unwanted and like I just traded an amazing few hours for a whole week of sadness to follow.

I couldn’t help myself though, before I made it home I messaged her. Telling her how much I enjoyed meeting her and that I had a great day.

You should’ve seen the grin on my face when she replied, reciprocating what I had expressed with the same cheerful texts that we’d been sending before. I forget exactly how we got there but she asked what my first impression was of her and when I asked the same she said “you just need to get more comfortable, you don’t get much credit for” and that was it. She must’ve accidentally sent it or misspelled a word. I had to know so I asked “much credit for what?”

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’re really nice, you’ve got a great personality and great features.” I didn’t even know what that meant but I didn’t care. If someone had seen me they might’ve thought I was trying to taste my ears with the corners of my mouth.

On the drive I mentioned a game that I was particularly good at, she hadn’t played it or even heard of it before but she downloaded it earlier and I played with her for an hour or so. She sucked, I know she’s new but she was absolutely trash at that game. Yet it was the most fun I’ve had in that game.

Next time I see her I have to just be more confident. I really, really wanna see if this is something that could be something more but I just don’t know if she feels that way. Like all the times before, I’m probably setting myself up for a months long misery. How do I know this won’t be different if I don’t even try?