I’ll Never Let You Go Today was the day. Today was the day I had decide I was going to leave her. My alarm clock went off as routine went. Wake up, get ready for work, and come home. I was tired. My life was so repetitive I couldn’t take it anymore. I was nothing but a machine at this point. However, her. She was amazing. She’s always been beside me. No matter the hard times and shortcomings, she always stayed. I didn’t deserve her. This morning was no different than any other. With the alarm clock going off, she would roll over and hit the snooze. She would nuzzle up to me. “Just five more minutes,” She said. I starred into the ceiling of our bedroom. The early morning sunlight flooded through our apartment window. I tried counting the speckles on the plaster, but it made no difference. I had to make a choice. What she didn’t realize is that I was struggling with failure. While she was always supportive, times had begun to get hard. Bills were starting to pile up and I didn’t want her to follow me down this path. She was amazing that was for sure. I looked at her. I ran my fingers through her brown hair. She nuzzled closer underneath my arm. I had to make a choice. I raised up and began my process of getting ready for work. I went to the bathroom and began my hygiene routine. She came into the bathroom and hugged me from behind. “Don’t go into to work today. Just call in,” She said this and kissed my back. How did I ever deserve someone as sweet as her? I thought this to myself and continued. I ignored her and finished getting ready for work. She walked away and headed to the kitchen. It was mere minutes after I had dressed myself, I went to the kitchen and seen a well-prepared breakfast. I saw the plate and a glass of orange juice happily awaiting me. While I wish this was a good thing, I couldn’t find myself to bear a smile. I sat down and began to eat. I don’t get it, what was wrong with me. She came to me one more time and kissed my cheek. “Have fun at work. Don’t be late coming home.”

Work was the same. Show up, file reports, and attend a meeting. I hated it. It never paid enough. I could always use more money, especially at this point. I fount the free time to check my personal email and seen an important message from the Cancer Treatment Center. It was a final electronic notice bill for chemo payments. To hell with them. I paid as much as I could, what more do they want? I couldn’t help it I didn’t make that much. Neither could she when she got sick. Fuck this, I already decided on how this was going to end. I decided to stay late at work even though she asked me not to. “You are staying late again,” my co-worker David asked. “Yea,” I replied and tried to focus on a fiscal report from the last quarter. I noticed him shaking his head in disappointment as he began to walk away. He didn’t understand what I was going through.

Lights began to go out. I was the last one in my cubicle. I waited to make sure everyone had left. I reached into the locked cabinet on my desk and pulled out the bottle of liquor. I loosened my stiffening tie and unbuttoned my shirt. I began to lean back in the chair as the fifth slowly dwindled in volume. I was just staring at the computer at this point. I wasn’t even inspired to work anymore. All I could think about was her. I looked over to the picture frame that held our anniversary photo from last year. She looked beautiful, even with her skin that was pale and the bandanna that covered her head. I couldn’t take it. I slammed the picture with the satisfaction of hearing the glass frame shatter underneath my fist. I rose up from my chair. The correct way to say is I staggered from my chair. The booze was the only thing that warmed me at this point. It was also the only thing that gave me the courage to do what I needed to do. I was such a coward. Why did she ever choose me of all men? It was time to put an end to her misery. It was time to put an end to mine. I don’t know how I made it, but I went to my car and went to the place where I could put and end to it.

The lights of my car were the only source of illumination once I got there. How late was it? I sent her a text to meet me here. I didn’t get a reply, so wasn’t sure if she seen it or not. It was worth a shot. I seen the steps to the hill. I prayed I could make the climb and gave it my best. Once I got to the top, there she was. She was bundled up in the jacket I bought her last Christmas and the casual fall attire. The single street lamp was just enough. She was a light of her own. Why was I doing this? I reached into my jacket and pulled out the pistol. She just stared at me. She didn’t have a surprised look. It was more of a look of disappointment. “You’re drunk.” She said. “It’s all I know anymore.” “You need to straighten up.” “I’m leaving you.” I finally said it. It took everything in me, but I said it. Why did my legs feel so weak? I knew I was drunk, but was I that drunk? I remember falling to my knees. My face was so wet. I couldn’t control the tears. I laid the pistol beside me, I didn’t have the strength to hold it. “I-I’m so s-s-sorry.” “It’s okay. I forgive you,” she said. “I figured it was time for me to leave. You don’t need to do this to yourself anymore.” I raised my head to see her one last time. I expected to see her smile and open me with a hug one last time. All that was there was the tombstone with her face on it. Even as a picture her beauty was none to be beat. This was it. Today was the day I let her go. I never imagined a man could sound like a newborn wailing, but I had achieved it. I picked up the pistol. I couldn’t let her go. The last thing I remember feeling was the immense pressure of the barrel on my temple as I squeezed the trigger.