From across the room, my lab assistant Jerome yell’s “Hey Stephanie, do you have a minute? The Cryostat is getting too warm.”

I roll my eyes, this jester has been here for six months, and still feels the need to yell at the top of his lungs.

Walking towards Jerome, I smell it. Does someone have vodka in my lab? Looking up I see Jerome laughing with Madison and Blake while lifting a beaker to his lips. Gosh darnit that's methanol. I scream “Jerome stop!”

He looks at me confused and asks “Boss, what's wrong? You always say to never yell in the lab.”

I ask him, “Are you ok? Did you drink any of that?” This can’t be happening, this idiot is going to get me fired.” I remember he has been watching TikTok vids about pyramids collecting solar energy. Does he want to be a mummy? Answer me Jerome, I do not have the chemicals, nor the time to find a pig farmer to dispose of your body. You better not die.

He looks at me with vacant eyes for a few seconds processing what I asked. Looking down at the beaker in his hand, and still confused. He starts shaking his head and looks back at me smiling like a lunatic, he smacks his forehead with his free hand and says “Wow Boss, you are good. How did you know from across the room that this wasn’t my water. I guess I should have labeled them.”

I am so mad I am shaking. In an attempt to control myself I ball my fists and count to ten. When finished I say, “Jerome, you know that everything is supposed to be labeled. You should also know that you are never supposed to have food and drinks at your workstation. Do you remember what happened when you thought the cocaine we use to stop the alligator's incisional bleeding was Pixy Stix powder? You had to visit the hospital, and we had to remove it from the lab.”

“Oh yeah Boss, huh huh, it turned my tongue purple, and it burned really bad.”

“That's right Jerome.”

I turn to go back to my workstation and am stopped when he says. “Oh yeah, hey Boss the Cryostat is too warm. I shut the door like you said, but it's still too warm.”

“Jerome, is it plugged in?”

He drops to his hands and knees to look for a plug that isn’t there.

“Jerome, stand up the plug is behind the unit. Let's scoot the Cryostat over and check the GFCI.”

I believe the only thing these jackals understand is violence. Just six more hours until I can go home to my Hello Kitty collection and drink all of this away.

Two hours later

I am jamming to In Flames Lunar Strain my favorite band while reviewing data. Like always, I almost cry when he gets to the chorus line. This man is an underrated treasure to the world.

We are able to increase the alligator's intelligence by 112 percent during this phase. I think we can increase that by another fifty percent during phase four and another seventy to ninety percent during phase five. 400 percent more aggression is going to be easy, beyond that, we may need to splice chihuahua DNA. The monocle is insane, I am glad I don’t have to design the interface for the guided laser system. I look up from my data to see Madison gripping Blakes bottom like a life preserver and kissing his neck. I do not have time for a meeting with human resources today.

They are so focused on their PDA that I make it all the way to their workstation without being noticed. Standing there I can taste bile in my mouth. This is so gross. I cannot believe it's legal, and protected. She has no business being here, but I can’t fire Madison without losing Blake.

“Hey guys, how is your experiment going?”

Blake says, “Stephanie, really good. The titanium alloy that gives us the strength to weight ratio the client specified has been selected. Engineering will need to replace the dentures as the alligator grows, but luckily the client’s budget allows for this. The polymer to hold the dentures in place is another issue. It can’t be permanent, but it still needs to be able to withstand the increased bite force.”

“Thanks for the update, I have total faith that you two will find a solution.

Actually guys, I came over to ask that you remember the company's policy on PDA in the work space.”

Madison moves her hand from his hiney to his belt line, and looks at me with feigned shock.

She then says, “Oh gosh, I totally forgot. I am so sorry Stephanie. Thanks for reminding us that we need to contain our happiness before getting married next week.”

“It’s ok, I understand. You two are doing great work and are just blowing off some steam. We are just asking for you to keep the more physical displays outside the work center.

After saying that my gag reflex almost wins the fight.

Blake then tells me, “It’s too bad you can’t make it to our wedding, we are going to have so much fun. If you change your mind, I would love to introduce you to my brother and cousins.

Even if your brother was my future ex Mrs. Stephanie Ronnie Radke I would refuse. Walk away Stephanie, get away from these guácala. “I am so sorry I can’t make it, but like I said I have something planned with my grandmother that I cannot get out of.” Like her bi-weekly seance. “I gotta go, thanks for working so diligently.”

While walking back to my workstation I hear the three chimes before an announcement.

The oddly chipper female voice of our AI announces “We are currently being breached by law enforcement. Your arrest is imminent. You are ordered to remain at your work stations to delay the F.B.I agents so our leader, Eric can escape to his private island. Effective immediately per your contract all pay and benefits are hereby canceled. Thank you for serving VillTech.”

I close my eyes, not again, not again. Every time I work for a biotech startup, our research is immediately seen as evil, and that it always violates nature. In reality it is mostly for the benefit of mankind, and it only violates nature in a biblical sense.

We are about to get raided by the F.B.I. and our research confiscated by D.A.R.P.A. Hopefully there are no flashbangs.

I hear Madison scream “The door won’t open! What do we do? I can’t live without my Love Bug!”

I hurry over to the middle of the lab and whistle like I'm hailing a cab in New York City. Immediately everyone looks in my direction and stares at me like I am insane. “Listen up, we can wait here to be arrested, or we can use our brains to escape. There is a way out, but it is dangerous.

Boomer Bill, or William as he prefers to be called says, “Tell me young lady, how do you propose to accomplish this? Both doors are sealed behind hydrogen sulfide gas filled hallways, and we are ten stories beneath the ground. Back in my day we had real leaders. I should be the Lead Scientist, I completed my second doctorate before you were born. If I was in charge, this would have never happened.

I am staring in disbelief, he got his degrees from a Stag Magazine subscription in the sixties. Why should I save this Rawhide reject? You know what? Fuck all of them, I will never give any of them a good reference.

Seeing red, I speak the words my soul have been singing since I met Bill, “Mother fucker, you don't know how to combine acid and water. Your mother should have swallowed, but the bitch didn't so I'm stuck trying to divinate usable data from your so called experiments. I have seen grade school students with more respect for the scientific method than you.”

Bill demands, “Who the hell do you think you are?”

I'm the Head Mother Fucker in Charge, and if you want to survive, you will shut the fuck up and do what I say.

Blake then says “Stephanie, maybe you should dial it back a little. We are all a little stressed, but that is no excuse to be so mean.”

“And you two, we all know you are cousins. Stop it! It’s gross, or your kids will probably star in the remake of Deliverance.”

Blake forcefully states, “It is legal in California.”

“Do you think I care about that? Your relationship status is first cousins!”

Turning to face Jerome, I am opening my mouth to accuse him of purposely sabotaging my lab.

Before I can, he holds up his hands in a stop gesture and calmly says “Stephanie, that is enough, you have every right to be upset. We can be entitled and needy, but right now we need you to get us out of here. Take a couple of deep breaths with me and let’s work together for a solution.”

Staring at the idiot savant of therapeutic communication I slowly blink twice and I do exactly as asked while he leads me through two deep breaths.

After my wax on wax off moment is over I say, “The only way out is through the tunnel we use to move the alligators. They are currently lightly sedated, as long as we are quiet it should be safe. Are any of you coming with me?

They all look scared, and none of them will agree until Jerome confidently says, “I’m coming with you Boss, lead the way.”

Bill nods his head in agreement. Madison and Blake both look at the floor and shake their heads no.

I tell my team, “Ok, let's go to the alligator enclosure”

When we get to the door, Jerome stacks directly behind me, while Bill is in last position.

I whisper “Remember we have to remain absolutely quiet. We can do this." I look at them for confirmation. Bill nods his head and closes his eyes. Jerome smiles at me and raises both thumbs.

Unlocking the door as quietly as I can, I just thankful that it is well maintained. Turning the handle I pull the door open and move to step inside the enclosure. Feeling Jerome's hands on my shoulders, I start turning to see what is going on, and I am pushed through the entrance, almost falling in the process. I turn around quickly, just in time to see the door loudly slam shut, and hear the lock being engaged.

I rush to meet Jerome at the window. I whisper “What are you doing? Let me out.”

Looking me in the eyes, Jerome calmly states, “I have seen this movie, and I am not getting eaten by bionic alligators. We are going to wait for them to eat you, and then escape. Goodbye Boss.”

Jerome and Bill both start kicking the door to wake up the alligators. I hear a hiss and glance over to where the four juveniles were sleeping. They are now awake and staring hungrily at me. Their mother in the corner, starts towards me. She is moving between to herd me towards the juveniles.

This is not how I die!

Facing the momma alligator, I engage my honey badger DNA, and instantly feel my blood lust rise. I rush forward with my claws extending, determined to end her line.

When I get out of here, there will be hell to pay for the Chucklefuck Sentries.

To be Continued.