(First draft, part 1)

This little creature remains docile as you keep him leashed by your side, following you as you bustle about the room living your life with one hand gently grasping the loop end of your little elephants lead. You laugh, you relax, you enjoy your life as it is knowing that this little elephant is by your side. The elephant isn’t the source of these feelings, and there’s a reason you keep him on a leash. Elephants are dangerous, wild animals, things to be respected and feared when they become bigger. But luckily for you your little elephant is just that, little. His gray skin free of scars and markings right now, his big ears cute but something you watch for as they seem to try to catch on everything, and his trunk constantly whipping to and fro, exploring and often times trying to trip you up. And these things happen at times, his ears catch and break something or his trunk winds around your ankle and you trip for a second before taking a deep breath and checking to make sure your elephant is still little.

Large, adult elephants are to be respected and feared, you know this, and as you keep the leash in your hand you remind yourself of how dangerous your little elephant will be all grown up. Anxiously you look over your elephant, looking for signs of aging and signs of growth, and something is a little off about this little elephant of yours. Your hand tightens on your end of the leash as you glance around the room. You keep a neat desk where you do all your work, a soft and warm bed where you rest, you have shelves upon shelves of broken yet precious treasures you’ve collected throughout your life, and all these things make you worry. The things that bring you comfort also make you fear for their loss and destruction. You take another deep breath.

The trunk around your ankle feels tighter now, and as you look down to your little elephant your heart sinks. Little budding tusks where there were none before, it’s all you can focus on. Grown elephants are dangerous, it’s unwise to remain around them. You pry your eyes up and scan your room, taking note of your exits. This room is your world though, and everything in it is all you know, and the door has been sealed for a long time. The brick and mortar done meticulously to keep the outside from ever letting your elephant grow up, and you’ve always been proud of the work you did until now. You walk with your elephant to the bricked door and notice a crack that wasn’t there before. Panic sets in as you realize what's happening, and you rush to the windows, dropping the leash in the process, and check the brickwork there too. More cracks. A tear runs down your cheek as your eyes turn to your comforts and your treasures, and you don’t want to lose them to the crumbling mortar that’s allowing the outside in. As your eyes look over it all again you can’t help but notice it, standing in the middle of your safe space, just watching you.

Your not-so-little elephant used to be cute and manageable, but fear grows in you as you see him before you growing larger still. Not long ago you used to be able to look down in order to look this creature in the eye, but now this creature is nearly eye level with you as you become painfully aware of the space in your room shrinking. You think it’s shrinking. The door is blocked, as are the windows, and you know your pet elephant is going to be a danger soon. The tears fall more steadily from your fearful eyes as you look for somewhere you can stay safe, scanning all around your room. Somewhere safe, somewhere to hide, it’s all you want right now as the elephants tusks grow larger and more pointed, battle scars becoming more apparent all along his tusks and trunk, nicks and cuts forming at the edges of his ears. He’s a fighter, a brute, he is dangerous, and he’s right in front of you.

When you see it you rush past the elephant quickly, noting his impossible size as he now towers above you in your little room, each of his legs larger than you are. You dive into the space between your desk and the wall, tucking yourself deep into the corner for safety. You wrap your arms around your legs, sitting pushed back as fart as you can, making yourself the smallest possible. It’s all you want, to be small and unnoticed and left alone while you wait for your elephant. What are you waiting for? The floor vibrates with each of his steps as he shifts in the room. His leash has been dropped, not that it would do any good right now, and he now explores his new found freedom. Your heart drops as you hear the clink of your shelved treasures shift as you can only imagine his massive trunk beginning to sort through them, looking for the most precious of them to smash. The desk you found safety tucked next to shifts suddenly just a bit as your mind fills with the image of your elephant rooting through your work, tearing away at your hard work and success you’ve fought for.

You bury your face in your arms as you begin to cry, your emotions becoming too much for you as you feel the paralysis set in. You can no longer move, you can only cry, and you work hard to ensure even that one thing you can do doesn’t attract attention. Silently you scream and sob into your arms as your mind fills with the image of your room being destroyed by your pet elephant, the thundering of his steps mixed with the clinking, crashing, shifting, scraping, ripping, and tearing of everything in your room fills your ears. You’re losing it all, almost, You still have yourself and you pray that at the end you can hold onto at least that. So you resign yourself to your new space, tucked away in the corner, because maybe this never was your room to begin with. Hasn’t it always belonged to your elephant and you simply held it back? You fit here in the corner, why would you ever need a large room like this. Bathed in tears, silently screaming and pushed into the corner, of all the feelings going through your mind and body acceptance is the one you’re most comfortable with. You’re being tortured by this beast and you tell yourself it’s all going to be ok, it’ll all turn out right as you accept this new normal. A shadow is cast over you and you squeeze your eyes shut tight, hiding is all you can do now.

Elephants are dangerous, wild animals, things to be respected and feared. They need lots of space, more space than a small room can provide, and even in the outside world they are likely to break and reform their surroundings. They tower above others, and with such size some would assume they are clumsy creatures, but this is assuredly wrong. Elephants are deliberate creatures, careful of those around them and never changing something without intent. They feed off of their keepers, specifically the fear, anxiety, anger, and uncertainty that often fills the minds of the most dutiful keepers. Unfortunately it’s a bit of a paradox for the keepers of these great beasts, as those that remain the most dutiful run the largest risk of having their pet elephant grow up before their very eyes. It’s never fair, and often it hurts the heart, to see other keepers who walk with no leash on their elephant. Or those that leave them behind at home, tucked into the back of a forgotten drawer, while they go about their days exploring the world. But those that remain dutiful? They are rewarded not with peace of mind and safety but with creatures they must endlessly and tirelessly work to keep in balance with their own lives.

And they say that you aren’t alone in your torture, that others out in the world find themselves with overgrown elephants just as you have, but you’ve never seen it. The people that tell you this are always the ones with small elephants that desperately try to keep up with their keepers on the streets, and how can you believe someone who has clearly never dealt with an elephant like yours? These people at your door made your elephant grow, so you boarded the door up. The knocking made you anxious, so you got the bricks. The sight of them on the street would sink your heart, so the windows got the same treatment. How could anyone ever understand what your elephant does to you? So you decided to never let them try. It’s your elephant, a beast like you’ve never seen before with someone else. You see yourself as alone in the world, so you might as well make it reality, right?

Hiding away in the shadows behind your eyelids, tucked into a corner and sheltering as best you can from the elephant destroying your world, you always thought this day would come again.

J4A