The past few weeks, I've been on a spree. I don't know why, it's never been this bad before.

At Christmas, my boyfriend got me a fish tank. I subsequently spent hundreds of dollars on fish supplies, fish, and even a second tank. My boyfriend told me NO SECOND TANK, but I went and bought a $300 set for a bigger tank anyway. We had a serious discussion, and I didn't put it up; I plan on returning it.

We broke up--not because of the spending, but because we just want different things in life. He's a wonderful person, a truly good person, and it was an amicable split. I'm currently looking for a new place to live (since I've been living at his place), and might have something lined up for the next week or two.

Yesterday he had a divorce mediation session. Because he had to face his ex-wife, which causes him intense anxiety, he took 12 anxiety pills (that he is prescribed). When he came home, he was absolutely doped-up, to the point of falling all over himself.

I was feeling an intense desire for pet mice. I've had mice before, I love them and know how to care for them (so I wasn't irresponsible to the point of getting a pet I know nothing about caring for), but we've had this discussion before--no pet mice in his house. But I decided, with him all fucked up, to ask him again if I could get them. He told me I could--"you're moving out anyway, so what's the big deal?" So I went and got them. I spent hundreds of dollars I don't really have on a set-up, toys, what have you, and the mice themselves.

He woke up this morning, took a shower, and then we were talking casually as he was getting ready to go to work. I mentioned that I wanted to give my mice some cheese before we left for me to drop him off. He was like, "you have mice?" He felt so betrayed. He had no recollection that I'd gotten mice, he'd been that fucked up.

Part of me just hoped that he'd feel the same way the next day as he did while he was fucked up. But I should have known better, I should have controlled myself. But I felt this intense urge last night to get them. I couldn't wait two fucking weeks to get my own place to get them. As I was shopping for the stuff, I felt so much anxiety and wanted to cry. I didn't even enjoy the shopping! It felt like I couldn't control what I was doing!

Thank you for reading, I really had to get this off my chest. I'm still tormenting myself about it and will for a long time. I need help. I think I'm going to ask my brother to come over--he's very financially responsible, and I think we're going to make a budget and just talk about things. Maybe he can help me return the giant-ass fish tank I bought and can't lift by myself, because I do NOT want to make my ex carry it and help me.

If you have any ideas for what could help me--please offer them. A good YouTube channel with info and resources about shopping addiction, a weekly shopping addiction meeting, a good book, anything. I need help. Thank you.