I am le time traveler

I like to travel through time. Sometimes I travel back to the Civil War , sometimes to the Aztec Empire, other times I just travel to the 1500s and steal Shakespeare’s work and end up in a parallel universe where I’m praised as a famous writer. I’ll do like anything dude.

I’m originally from 1987. I began time traveling back in 84 when my pop gave me the key to his secret basement when he was about to die on his deathbed.

I remember looking into his eyes as his last dying breath contained the words,

“The key is under the welcome mat.”

I said “oh sick dude” and I left the hospital in glee. I got back home as quick as I could and gained access to le basement. I ran down the stairs, tripped on a loose nail , ate shit on the last step but got back up nearly unconscious and noticed in the corner of the room sat a strange looking machine. Le time machine!

I sat in said time machine, and noticed a panel that sat in front of me.

“ YEAR TRAVEL TO?”

“Who the fuck said that?”

“IT ME CUNT. LE TIME MACHINE. WHAT YEAR DO YOU WANNA GO TO SO YOU CAN FUCK UP TIME-SPACE CONTINUUM?”

“2018 please”, I said.

Le time machine went vroom vroom and sent me to 2018.

I ended up in the middle of a city. I’m assuming Los Angeles. Couldn’t be, this place looks like a shithole.

When I stepped out, I first noticed everyone looked fucking stupid. Like real stupid.

Also, all these kids kept running by me and doing these weird motions with their arms, swinging them left and right in front of their faces. It freaked me the fuck out bigtime.

People were holding these weird devices. Like little touch screen little gadgets.

People kept staring at me. So what if I wear blue jeans with my shirt tucked in?

I walked along the street until I found a restaurant. I walked in , and it turned out to be a McDonalds. In the front stood these weird touch screen things. I walked in and asked someone what it was.

“Oh, that’s digital ordering. Instead of talking to someone, you can type what you want on the screen and your order will be sent to the cashier.”

“Well that’s fucking sad.”

I said fuck that and walked up to the cashier and ordered in person.

“I’ll take a … number three. No pickles.”

Cashier looks up and says, “hey if you have the app, you can get a discount.”

“The fuck is an app?”

“You know, on your phone?”

“My phone has discounts?”

“Well no, you need the app. You probably need to download it from the app store.”

“K gotchu”, I said and left in a panic.

I had to find where this app store was. Seemed like some huge discount store.

I ran down the street further and ended up at a place with an apple sign outside of it. I walked inside, and was greeted by some dweeb.

“Welcome to the apple store, how may I help you?”

“Uhhh , I don’t really know. What do you sell here?”

“Well, we got iphones, ipads, imacs..”

This weird “I” lingo was freaking me the fuck out.

“What does an iphone do?”

The guy laughs at me.

“Well, it can take photos, you can download apps, go on facebook, google, amazon.”

This shit was too much for me. I ran out the door and ended up in some weird alleyway.

This dude walks up to me and asks, “yo bro, you got a juul? Mind if I get a juul rip?”

I couldn’t take it. I ran street after street, running and running and fucking running.

I eventually got back to the time machine. I sat in the seat and screamed to the computer.

“Get me back to the 80s bro!!!”

“CAN’T COMPUTE. DID YOU MEAN 2021?”

“FUCK NO YOU STUPID FUCKING COMPUTER, 1987!!!!!”

“RECALCULATING. LOADING. SENDING YOU TO 2027.”

“Aw fuck.”

I was soon sent into the vortex and ended up on the street as before. But this time, the street was covered in metal.

I looked up at the buildings to see each building had a glowing sign on the top. It read, “Amazon.”

Fuck, what is this Amazon shit?

I walked down the street and was stopped by a random guy.

“Hey sir. Do you have your Amazon premier pass? You can’t enter this area of town without a premier pass. If you take out your app, I can scan your QR code and confirm your subscription.”

I screamed in terror and ran back the other way. As I ran, I heard an intercom, somehow resonating through the city streets.

“THIS IS JEFF BEZOS. BE SURE TO STOP AT YOUR LOCAL AMAZON MART AND PICK UP YOUR AMAZON PREMIER PASS! IF NOT, WE HAVE BRONZE, SILVER, GOLD, AND PLATINUM. BE SURE TO VISIT OUR APP OR WEBSITE AND PURCHASE ALL YOUR FOOD AND FURNITURE NEEDS BEFORE THEY’RE ALL GONE! MAKE SURE TO CHECK OUT AMAZON TV FOR ALL TV CONTENT.”

I needed to get back, now.

Every person I ran by seemed to be glued to their devices, repeating,

“Amazon. I love you Amazon. We are your servants Amazon. Hail Amazon.”

Cars and buses with Amazon drove by me on magnetic lines.

I looked up in the sky to see a giant holographic image of a bald dude. Maybe this is Jeff Bezos.

“WELCOME TO LOS ANGELES. YOU GAINED ACCESS THROUGH YOUR PREMIER PASS. CONGRATULATIONS. BE SURE TO CHECK OUR APP , WEBSITE, TV SERVICE, FURNITURE STORE, GROCERY STORE, HOSPITALS AND DENTIST OFFICES FOR ALL YOUR DAILY NEEDS!”

Kids I ran by had metal cages strapped on their heads. A light illuminated on front of the cages, displaying images of Jeff Bezos.

I never returned to my machine. I currently work at Amazon Office A25 in Los Angeles. I work customer service in the dentist branch of our company. Our government. Our world.

Amazon.