Hey I really hope someone can help me with this.

I feel as if I’m all alone with this experience. I have no clue what my sexuality is. Here is what I know.

I have been attracted it women all my life. Looking at women turns me on. Especially femme women. My last two and my first ever girlfriends were and are butch, so I have gained an appreciation for studs.

I don’t like kissing. I have kissed a man and 3 women as an adult and never liked it. I never kissed a femme women and all the kisses where with people I either met on a dating app or came onto me first. It could be that there is someone out there that I would love to kiss but have not met. However, not a fan of kissing at all. I like closed mouth pecks, but as soon as their tongue entered my mouth I’m disgusted.

I have had sex with one man and did not like it. It felt like very exhausting and unsatisfying masturbation even though I had butterflies when, he asked to have sex with me. His body felt to hard and stiff too me. And his p*nis felt way too thick and it was painful. That’s how I lost my virginity.

The first time I had sex with a woman it was somehow even worse, bc she never even gave me butterflies. She was a one night stand from tinder and my first encounter with a woman. The sex did not make me cum and it was painful when she fingered me and gross when I ate her out.

The second sexual encounter with a woman was on a date with my first ever girlfriend. I met her on tinder. I was crushing on her and exited and a little drunk and we had some rushed touching in a bathroom it was cute and sexy and awkward. We spoke a lot before and I felt very comfortable with her. She also was a stud. I didn’t cum bc I was too drunk to have proper sex in a tiny stall. My balance was off. We ended up having sex properly in an hotel room and it was amazing. I didn’t enjoy kissing still but the sex was great. I orgasmed and fell in love with her. Her sex drive was greater than mine so she wanted sex more than me but when we did have sex it was good. We had my ass ate for the first time which was crazy but unexpectedly nice. I ended up having some kind of infection or irritation every time we had sex so it made me suspicious and I basically told her it wash her hands before we have sex and she insinuated that I’m paranoid. This turned my sex drive all the way down and then we broke up, bc we were just too different.

My current girlfriend also has a higher sex drive than me. We met on another dating app. She is also a stud. She even told me she is a sex addict which she then kinda took back. She also said she’d be open to a threesome which she took back again when she did not like my reaction. Our first sex was bad and painful, but some of it was okay I was just taken out of it and distracted often due to the painful moves or overthinking. (I told her this). We tried again with just oral and it was not painful anymore, however, I would just lose the mood. Masturbating alone, I can come in a few minutes if not seconds. Masturbating with her distracts me bc I feel nervous and it takes a bit longer but I get there. She has not yet made me cum herself.

Now she tells me she noticed I do not like kissing. What do I even tell her? I like her and am more physically attracted to her than my ex, but the sex thing is stressful.

Am I asexual. I watch porn to masturbate sometimes and I can cum to almost anything. Gay porn, most straight porn and lesbian porn I struggle to cum as I am too much in my head. For lesbian porn I prefer to make it in my own head. I enjoy watching men ejaculate and masturbate. I watch porn at most every 3 days, but I have not done that in years. Now it seems like I watch it once a month.

What would you advise me? Am I beyond saving? I would like to advice that my sexual desires are typically higher outside my own home. Like at my partners place or a hotel room. Also I think I am what people classify as a bottom. Although I do have a fantasy of strapping a women or using a strapless dildo. However, unfortunately most of my sex partners were stone tops (uncompromising tops that never receive only give).

Tldr: I’m bad at being horny and too much in my own head and sex is difficult for me. Girlfriend has noticed.