I've never bothered asking this question in a public forum. I always figured I knew what I was, but...what I am doesn't feel compatible with what I'm expected to be. And I wonder whether that's part of the reason I'm alone.

I like women. I indulge in self-pleasure, to put it euphemistically. Sometimes it's good, but most days it feels like a chore. Like maintenance rather than pleasure. I like the idea of intercourse, but not watching it. Frankly I think sex is only attractive from the perspective of a participant, not as a lurker.

Anyway, the meat of the thing. I'm a virgin. A 30-something virgin. I hesitate to initiate physical contact until I'm sure it's allowed, and while I desire sex, it's not my principle goal. And when I tell people I haven't had sex, it makes me feel like I've done something wrong. The women I speak to go silent and fade away soon after. All I want is to know these women, to grow closer on an emotional and physical level, before doing the deed. So when I tell the truth about my experience, why I haven't slept with anyone, and the other person ditches me, it makes me feel like I'd performed sexuality wrong. Like I'll now be seen as permanently sexless, and thus unavailable for love.

What I'm asking is, do I sound asexual? Or gray asexual? Demisexual? I think I need to understand where I stand, because no one else does, and it's killing me slowly. I'm tired of being sad and angry, of blaming others or myself. I just want to know what I am, and where I go from here.