I am fortunate enough to have a good relationship with my mother as to where I could talk to her about how I've been feeling the past few weeks. Not everything of course, but a lot. She understands the possibility of me being aro/ace but believes I could simply just be immature still. I've made posts here before but in case, I'll explain everything here. I am 19m and I believe I've never had a romantic crush. I did grow obsessed with a certain girl after knowing her for a year and wanted to get to know her better and trust each other to even an emotional level to where we could talk about anything freely as well as even including hugs or other affectionate gestures. However I believe those feelings may've been considered platonic as the idea of forming a romantic relationship wasn't one that I didn't believe I was interested in. I do enjoy the time I spend with her but in doing things we both enjoy like our hobbies. The idea of being together in a romantic context just makes me feel awkward I guess, still not sure what it means to experience a romantic attraction. Asexuality is also something I am confused in. I may look at a girl and find them attractive, after all, I only seem to develop "platonic" crushes towards girls. However the idea of sex just makes me uncomfortable and I am not sure if that's just me being insecure with myself. I could see when a girl is hot and that will spark arousal in me, but the idea of going together with that person in bed just feels awkward to me. It doesn't have to be strangers, it could also be those who I may feel comfortable with. The platonic crush I mentioned me having before would at times spark arousal in me, but the idea of sex with her never cross my mind and when looking back thinking how that may feel it just doesn't sit right with me. I'm confused why this is because I could look at an attractive lady and be stuck on their sexual features but fantasize sex is not an occurrence. I do have a kink that I've had for the longest time and whenever I'm stuck on lady's sexual features, my arousal just funnels them into the context of my kink. I didn't masturbate until the age of 17 because I never had the urge to proceed with the arousal I was experiencing and only tried masturbation because I just thought it was about time I give it a try and apparently it feels really good. When I did, it was of course under the kink I have which has no intercourse or sex involved in it. I do find masturbation satisfying and I do it often whenever I feel arousal that I want to satisfy or at times to just simply relieve stress and tension in me. However no matter what, when masturbating it always that kink. I would try to masturbate to conventional sex porn scenes but even in watching that, my mind would just remove what's unnecessary and warp the media I'm watching to fit into my kink, picturing myself in performing sex does not satisfy my arousal it seems. I feel like this kink just makes everything harder for me and I wish if there was a way to remove it and my libido. Anyways I get told to just take it slow and take my time but it's very hard to do so when i'm constantly feeling in limbo not completely understanding what I am. I find girls attractive, hot even to where I can masturbate but only in the kink that I have, never wish for sex. I see Asexuals describe their feeling where they don't feel anything towards guy and girls which I can't relate to since I definitely feel something towards girls just not necessarily sex, only through my kink. However, I also see other Asexuals describe their feelings that really resonate with me in not feeling the need for sex or a relationship. How come I seem to only get these "platonic" crushes towards girls to the point I would like hugging and cuddling and getting emotionally connected but the idea of a relationship just feels intimidating and awkward, not something I wish for. I live happily with the my friends, family, and hobbies. So is this just me not feeling ready to advance for a romantic relationship and am I just not mentally ready or confident enough to actively look for sex?