What I mean by this is when I was afraid of being gay, and I was only attracted to men once I excepted it, though, it went away (and I low-key want it back and not to be straight, or asexual). Now I am afraid I am a p*do and feel as though I'm only attracted to underage boys and feel nothing for men my own age (end it feels identical to when I felt Gay attractions; only difference is that it is beyond screwed up, and I would never look at CP or act on that…I’d rather die 🤮). I want the lust I had for men back though. I'm just worried now that I'm going to find out I am completely asexual after years of OCD, wagging pleasure in my face and showing me what i'm truly missing out on sexual euphoria; like I watched gay porn, and had big crushes on men, when I was in high school and part of college, and it felt veeeeery pleasurable... even though I was afraid of it. Like I almost want to be afraid of being gay again, so that I can have the pleasure of sex with men. For me the loss of attraction is the most brutal part, and it's lasted for years; like I just can't date. And I'm definitely not straight because I've never had a crush on a woman or really thought of women in a sexual way ... From time to time actually I will get straight OCD though lol. It really has nothing to do with being gay, straight, asexual, etc, to fit societies standards. I just want to feel the lust and pleasure I used to have, but now can't have, for men. I'm also learning about post SSRI sexual dysfunction (PSSD) and this is scared the shit out of me because I am starting to worry that these SSRI's, which I’ve been taking for years, caused permanent damage to my sexuality and that's turned me asexual. A lot of people from the PSSD forum say they feel asexual now.