On the 25th of September 2021 I was vaginally, anally and orally raped. I went to the police. Despite dna, witness statements and cctv they did not proceed to prosecution because they ‘could not prove I did not consent in the moment’. Despite my injuries.

I have severe ptsd and my boyfriend is the first person I slept with after it happened. We split and I slept with a few other people, and then we found it way back to each other.

As a result of what happened, I can’t do anal. He knows that and we’ve discussed that. It brings me flashbacks. We’ve tried in the past, when he’s drunk he asks me and I say no. He asks again. I let him use a finger.

We went out tonight and had a few drinks. We’re having sex. I asked for a finger and he asked if I wanted his dick. I said no. Asking for that was a big moment for me.

We carry on having sex and he all the sudden tried jamming himself anally up me. He knows. I pull away and say no not now. He says ok. Carries on with normal sex.

I left and I’ve spent 3 hours on hold with various SA and crisis helplines. I had an eating disorder and a self harm relapse. I feel like I did when it happened last September.

Did he assault me? Or was he just drunk and trying something?

I love him. I really don’t want him to have done that. I can’t wrap my head around it. He’s close with all my family and friends so I didn’t want to tell anyone in case they get mad if it turns out to be just an accident.

He really has supported me with my ptsd. I just don’t understand what happened tonight. No helpline is getting through to a person, I’ve been on hold crying for hours. I just need someone to shed some light on it. Tell me I’m being dramatic. Tell me this is just ptsd.