This might be long. But I need to let it out. It’s eating me alive.

Last week, I went to a birthday party with a friend. I kissed this friend before. When it was time to go home, he offered his place so I accepted as I missed the last bus going back to my place. Before entering his house, he attempted to kiss me. I refused. Said no and explained that we’re just friends and nothing will happen. Not even a kiss. He understood and agreed. So we decided to go to bed and sleep. We were sharing the same bed but I made sure nothing will happen by facing the opposite side and staying as far as I could from him.

Later that night, I woke up because I felt him touching my thighs. Slowly. Almost lifting my shorts. It was an easy access as my back was facing him. Then he started rubbing his dick against my back, slowly. I thought it was just accidental. But it kept going. But I didn’t do anything. Didn’t move. I just let it be. I pretended to be asleep. I only gathered all the strength left in me when he was about to wrap his arm around me, almost touching my boob. I pretended to wake up. Then he stopped and faced the opposite side.

I didn’t say anything and I just stayed there lying on his bed. I was afraid. He acted like it was nothing so it was probably nothing. I couldn’t go back to sleep anymore. So did he. So he started talking to me. Trying to make me face him, attempting to kiss me, hug me… I felt so creeped out. But I didn’t say anything. I let it be. I even talked to him. Turning it into some late night talk. Yet he didn’t mention what happened, so I thought maybe it was nothing.

Morning came and realization hit me, so I immediately left his house. With so many questions. Did I experience SA? Am I overreacting? Did I make a big deal out of nothing? I have told 3 of my friends, and they all said the same thing: why was i even there with him in the first place? If i had no intention of having sex, why did i go to bed with him? And the fact that I’ve kissed him before, I should have expected for something to happen. And one friend said I wasn’t raped. He didn’t leave a mark on me and wasn’t violent. So be grateful that nothing happened and I should not make it a big deal.

Was I being dramatic? I’m honestly so confused and guilty. I brought myself into that situation. I know some people have experienced worse, so I feel guilty feeling like this. I dunno. I’m just so sad. And guilty. And confused.