I've tried to post this question/thought process/ whatever you wanna call it for awhile now and I can never find the right words to convey my thoughts and it's fucking draining.

I'm with an amazing woman. How we connected and the way it happened is something out of a movie. We got together right before covid took hold of the US last March. I've never been one to have a list of things the "dream" woman would/could be, if I did, she checks everyone off. My likes and interests have always been so varied that it never made sense for that list, and yet here I am.

We got together knowing each other had come from abuse and had mental health issues that we were working on. We talked about sex and what some of our likes and wants were but nothing deep.

Fast forward to may of this year and I ended up taking a little more lsd then I had planned for my birthday. That turned into me exploring parts of myself I was never safe too. I wouldn't say I remembered the abuse, it was more me recognizing that it was abuse. Not a day went by since the abuse happened when I was ten, that I didn't think about it. She helped me talk about it and what it made me feel, how it still makes me feel.

Since then my thoughts on monogamy and my needs have been blurred immensely. I don't know if my feelings for wanting to be in an open/poly relationship is a product of the abuse or a lifestyle that would better suit me. I feel really dirty even typing this. I've never been with a woman who meets all my wants like my current partner does. She's told me that she doesn't need to have sex with anyone other then me and it really fucks me up.

My sexual desires/wants/needs have always been scrutinized, made fun of, told they were disgusting, etc.

I feel lost and scared and like I'm being a coward because I haven't brought this up to my partner. And by partner I mean wife.

I start therapy on Monday with a sex therapist. Wish me luck.

Has anyone else been in a serious monogamous relationship and changed to an open/poly one? Anyone in a poly/open relationship care to chat? I need some community😢