Hi. I've been searching for a sub like this for a while because I'm not sure where else to discuss this stuff outside of therapy.

A little bit of background on my journey:

• When I was 21, my girlfriend (19/20) SA'd me. We continued to date and I often felt the pressure to perform sexual duties (the assault was related to this). It was only after we broke up years later that I was able to admit it to myself.

• Following the dissolution of our relationship I began to seek out women who would dominate me. Now searching for people like this over the internet (the only way I knew how to) is dehumanising in itself because you often have to share photos and videos of yourself doing degrading stuff. I did it and I do believe it left a mark on me.

• Alongside this, I was hooking up casually with a friend of mine. She had a drinking problem and ended up SAing me too. Hooking up w others casually meant that this happened another time too, which puts the count at three.

• Eventually I had three d/s relationships one after the other. Twice I was ghosted and the third time we crossed my boundaries (this was in person). This was my fault not theirs because I believe I was too laissez faire with my body and boundaries.

Now my questions/concerns which I would be happy to receive any insights on:

• Have other people experienced the development of submissive behaviour following SA?
• Have others engaged with it as a way of harming themselves?
• Have people been able to turn this ship around ie make it a space which is not harmful for them?

It's been a few years since all this started (I'm 28 now) and I've come to terms w the fact that being submissive is a part of me. I just don't want it to be a means for self harm.

Thanks for reading and I look forward to hearing from you all.