started at 17. i’m 29 now. i had a severely abusive childhood and i never felt like i had a chance to acknowledge the sexual violence i’ve faced (not from family) and it’s really reaching a head. i got raped again a few weeks ago. i’m so fucked up i could not tell if i liked it. i thought i did a bit. i had a boyfriend from ages 19-23 who made it so much worse. the sexual violence from him is jarring. i’m realizing repressing all of this has been hurting me so bad. it is the wound that bleeds most perhaps. i’m really hoping to start dealing with it soon. i reached out to a local org. i hope to have the courage to follow through. i am so broken by the consistent violation and betrayal of it al. i am so shameful of who it has made me into in some forms. shameful of how i’ve tried coping. the hyper sexuality. the increasingly graphic and violent kinks i’ve developed. i wish i could clean myself but i’m stuck like this. so dirty. so gross. my fault. it truly feels like it is my own doing. i don’t know how to process this. it’s so cruel