It first happened when I was 8 and she was a teenager. I’ve always had the memories with me but Its like my mind blacked parts of them out, I never told anyone cause I was scared. I think as I got older I never wanted to accept that what happened was truly wrong.

Then it happened again a few years later and by that time I thought it was normal, I had been exposed to sex and masturbation too early and I became what I’d consider “hypersexual”. I go back and forth between wanting it to happen again and hating myself and hating my body. It’s like there’s some kind of sick mental dissonance and I feel like a fucked up person for it.

The past two years I’ve finally been coming to terms with it, with her, and what happened. I’ve never told anyone except my therapist which took me a long time to even speak of it without crying. My dad is my only parent or close family member but I don’t feel like I can tell him what happened. But I wish I could because I feel ashamed that I’m a man and this happened to me. Ashamed that this has impacted me so much and led me to do things I wish I hadn’t. Some days I can’t look at myself and the memories are debilitating. I just sleep so they go away.

I feel like I’ve somehow equated it to love and I feel disgusting for it yet I always go back to it. I want to tell my therapist but it’s so embarrassing. Idk what the point of this post is I’m just venting I guess and maybe someone can relate. I just feel like a weirdo and I want my childhood back.