I (22nb) need some outside perspective on this situation because I’m losing my memory. I figured I would try to process it before I forget the details and it just becomes a fog in my mind. When I was newly 17 I thought I looked like an adult despite being 5’5. I presented pretty androgynously at the time but leaned on the masculine side. I used to browse sites like Tinder all the time and, of course, that led to me meeting up with a few sketchy figures. I was constantly being sent nudes from men. It was annoying but I actually liked some of the younger men. I had gotten my license more than a year before that and had a nice car. I had a job and paid for my own gas, insurance, meals, etc. I’ve smoked weed since I was 15 and I started vaping at 16. My father started vaping asap because he’s always smoked cigarettes and, obviously, vaping is the healthier alternative in terms of cancer-causing chemicals and tar. I used to use disposables but started using sustainable products such as flower, pod systems, and e-liquid. When I was using whatever I could get my hands on I hadn’t had nicotine for a good month and I was just smoking weed at the time. I had just started talking to my ex girlfriend again and she told me she doesn’t see me “in that way” but she wouldn’t elaborate. At the time I was heartbroken because she’d hurt me before when I was receiving treatment in rehab for alcoholism. When I got out I stopped drinking completely and still haven’t had a sip of alcohol 5 years later. We were dating and when I got admitted she stopped talking to me or texting me. I had to find out from one of our mutual friends at the time that she had started dating her new boyfriend as soon as I was admitted to rehab. We never talked about breaking up. I wish that I hadn’t worried so much about her at the time and just moved on. But I didn’t. I tried to get back together with her and wanted to show her how much I improved. Eventually we just cut each-other off. She had gotten a new girlfriend that was more serious than her other previous relationships. I tried to tell her how I felt before they got serious and I told her I didn’t expect her to return the feelings. I wanted us both to work on our friendship but every-time we would hang out she talked nonstop about her girlfriend. I mean actually nonstop. It came up in every single conversation we had. I began to distance myself and gave up on salvaging our friendship because I was uncomfortable with her lack of boundaries. She would talk to me about the sex she had with her girlfriend but…???? I don’t want to know that?!?!?!? Especially if I had feelings for her. Anyways, I felt really worthless. I felt hurt by our interactions and decided to get really high. I did just that in a gas station parking lot (in my car). I ended up meeting a guy on Tinder and there were a lot of red flags. I felt really numb and just wanted to feel needed or something. I lied to the guy(23) and told him I was 18. I told him I turned 18 a week before and he became really excited. He told me that as long as I was “legal” he was more than willing to “defile” me. Those were his exact words. It was incredibly concerning but, again, this was the adrenaline rush I was craving. I ended up telling him where to meet me and I walked to his truck. All of his windows were tinted, which looking back on, it should have raised alarm bells. But again, I was extremely high and he knew that. We talked with each-other about how much weed we had both smoked. He proceeded to drive to the gas station I was at because he assured me it was close to his house. He then proceeded to “welcome” me into his truck by placing his hand on my thigh and handing me his vape. I got excited because I hadn’t had nicotine in a long time and he didn’t tell me he was bringing it. I told him about my lack of a vape when we were messaging and he switched topics so I assumed he didn’t vape. He watched me use it and then offered me a sweet tea. I took it and drank it because I had dry mouth from smoking. It was not smart of me. I drank more tea and abused his vape. We talked for a good 10 minutes and he immediately placed his hand on the back of my neck, grabbing the vape out of my hand and using it. He blew the vapor in my face and started kissing me. I tried to preform well(?) but he got bored of that quickly. He asked me to give him a blowjob as he removed his clothes. All of his clothes. I did as he asked. He started to remove my pants and boxers as I continued. He just started touching me down there and I began to disassociate as he pulled my head (by my hair) down to meet his waist. I almost vomited on him while he came in my mouth. I lifted my head only for him to lift my shirt up and remove my binder. He asked me to lay down on the seat so I did and he finished removing my shirt and binder. He started to do oral on me and I just lied there. When he was done with that he reached down and started unwrapping a condom. He put it on and pulled my hips up to meet him. He started moving and asked if it was okay. I couldn’t speak and just turned my head to the side, facing the seat. He used his fingers to stimulate my body and I believe that’s when he removed the condom. He repositioned himself and started fondling my chest. I was high out of my mind and my eyes were closed but I felt the difference of the condom having been removed. I just started to shut down and soon he was done. I stared at the ceiling of the truck and then sat up. He “raved” about the sex and kept complimenting me. I wanted to leave so I acted like I was late getting home. He said he wanted to see me again as I dressed myself. I hopped out of the truck, went to my car, and started hysterically laughing as tears streamed down my face. I’m ashamed of this and feel as if I asked for it even though I told him I needed him to wear a condom. Was this sexual assault?