I need to empty my heart and mind. I feel like a bad person, a false victim. Don't be too hard on me, I'm already hard enough.

So, I (33F) am a victim of Sa. I come from a very small locality with less than 400 inhabitants. There have never been many young people in this city, at most 10 children. We are talking about a time when computers were not common in homes, in 2000 in fact. The way we took care of our free time was mainly to go play outside as soon as school was over until dinner and as soon as the dishes were done, we went back to play outside until sunset.

At that time we were 8 friends, 4 boys and 4 girls. For the story, here's what we'll call them, it's relevant. Boys: P - J- JG - JP Girls: K - MC - R

I have always been attracted to P for the longest I can remember, since I was 6 years old. I would have done everything for him. My diary is fulfilled with him, how I see myself to be is wife and the noyer of his child. I was the first of my gang to have breasts and my first period, around the age of 10. It is at this moment that everything fell to pieces. P and J were the first to notice it and I began to experience an hell. I remember the first time I was threatened, in the bottom of a forest by P and J that if I didn't raise my sweater, they would make my life an hell on earth. I resisted for more than an hour but I had to resolve to do it because my curfew was already exceeded, I knew I was going to have problems with my mom. I was afraid to break my parents so I kept silent and continued to join my executioners, day after day, night after night. I was in a gear. When they had enough of simply looking they decided to touch, insert, experiment on MC, R and me. K was considered too pretty to undergo sexual acts. I know I know it's disgusting. It lasted for 5 years, every day, always different acts P mostly on me J, JG and JP on the other girls, the only thing that did not happen is the complete sexual relationship. It stopped the day the Internet appeared in my house. I have known a range of possibilities to run away from my abusers. No adults have ever been informed, a secret between us 8.

Fast forward to this year, around Halloween, I return to my hometown to give candy with my mother. I see P with is 3 children and.. unfortunately, I feel attracted by him. Like when I was 6. I have so so so much remorse to feel this way. I cannot proceed the fact that my brain want to have something with him. I'm angry with the 3 others but P, I have difficulty. He is still one of my FB friends, I also know his spouse (I remember the small town, he never left it) I also know that he has cheated several of his former partners over time. He is also friends with my big brother, he's in my life like for so long and I have always been able to forgive him for his actions. Yet between us no one talks about it, it's a secret of polichinelles.

And I did the unimaginable for myself during an evening where I drank far too much alcohol, I texted him. I proposed to him to have an affair and he didn't push me away, he seemed happy that I made him such a proposal and flattered that I was still clinging to him. We never talk again after this night.

I'm terribly disgusted with myself. I blame myself for having had the weakness to write to him, for still giving him the right to touch me after all the atrocities he did when he was young. I feel like a fake victim and since this evening, I have had difficulty living with it, looking at myself in a mirror. I don't know what to do anymore...

P.S: English is not my native language, sorry for the misspelling.