TRIGGER WARNINGS: Mental illness, medication withdrawal, underage marijuana usage, solicitation via online dating, and sexual assault of a minor.

THIS IS A VENT! IT IS GRAPHIC AND TRIGGERING!

If the are any trigger warnings I missed or rules I violated please let me know ASAP so I can tweak it according to the guidelines.

This is very long and I want to start by saying this: I don’t necessarily blame the man for specific things that I AM upset about because I lied. I was mentally unwell at the time and had just turned 17. It is quite common in my area for people my age to date people who are 18 in order to support ourselves instead of getting impossible corporate jobs that work us long hours. I am autistic and this leads to severe burnout which inhibits me from being able to complete my schoolwork which is vital to my future in culinary school and my identity as a whole. It happens often. I am not condoning this practice but it is something that I was exposed to at a young age due to having a step-sister who experienced a lot of similar things. I am a transgender man but I make no effort to hide my chest in public due to issues with my spine. It’s uncomfortable for me but I cannot recieve top-surgery until I am 18. I consulted a doctor and started hormone blockers at the age of 14. It’s the best decisions I have ever made. I am so much happier but that does not get RID of my chronic mental illnesses. All of my symptoms overlap. I have been on medication for a long time. These medications are for anxiety, depression, and long-term un-diagnosable severe mental health conditions. I have been to 12 different therapists and have gotten so many different diagnoses by now it’s slightly concerning. I am not currently a minor but I am still in school and I consider myself to be a young adult since I turned 18 not that long ago. I never really processed this and it still feels like it happened yesterday. I still don’t know whether or not to be angry at the man or myself. I know that invalidates my trauma and I don’t want to do that to myself but it is what has gone through my mind so many times.

Moving on from that bit of context, here’s the story: I stopped taking my medication for more than 24 hours. I’m on a medication that will make you very ill, mentally and physically, if you stop taking it for more than 24 hours. I have been taking edibles (THC) that I make myself for the last 3 years in an effort to alleviate some of my anxiety and mental issues. It has been great, actually. Unfortunately, my mom and I were still fighting at the time so I felt as if I couldn’t reach out to anyone. For some reason, when I stopped my medication, it caused horrible flashbacks to come back and I had an impending feeling of doom in my stomach. Like I was watching my younger self get violated. I still don’t remember what happened to me as a child but I went almost manic for the next few days. I would try to meet up and share my nudes with older people in my area. It was like a demon possessed me and I had no control over where I went or what I did. It was a nightmare. I was shaking pretty violently and I took nearly 200mg of strong edibles every few hours just to stop the shaking or at least make it bearable. I was very out of it and sent a 23 year old my nudes. He wanted to meet up. I wanted to feel needed and I thought he was bringing more weed. That’s not smart and I never would have done that. That is not me. I truly don’t remember how I could have driven there and gotten in his truck. He told me he was “into” 18 year olds and I told him I had just turned 18. No, I had just turned 17. He said as long as it’s legal he would love to get to know me. We met. It happened. He said he would use a condom and I had told him I was high out of my mind. He said he was as well. He then removed the condom and violated what (little, knowingly false) trust we mutually had. He simply told me “I’m so sorry- I just came inside you. Please don’t be mad.” I was shocked. What do you say or do in response to that? I smiled, told him the sex was good because my body enjoyed it. I went home and have been in somewhat of a fog ever since. I feel like my child self went through the same thing. I keep remembering strange things from my childhood but can’t let myself remember. My dad, my brother, cousins, other kids, I have no idea. My body knows and KNEW it was violated in my childhood but my brain won’t let me remember. I feel like it was my fault. I know it’s not. How do I tell my family? How do I stop blaming myself for enjoying the physical sensations I had at that time? If anyone has advice or just anything to say, even “hi”, please do so. Thank you for reading.