What the title says. I am a man who was sexually abused for over a year when I was little by a man who I had previously trusted. It messed me up in so many ways that I can’t even tell you.

I was sexualized at such a young age that it confused me for YEARS afterwards. Am I gay because I was abused by another man? Why did I get aroused during the assaults? Why do I get aroused when thinking about it? Why did something so horrible feel so good?

School was a hell for me. I never made friends because I felt I couldn’t trust anyone. I felt anxiety when I saw a man with a similar face to him. I recoiled from any physical contact. I started drinking at 13 to try and forget the nightmares. I felt alone and so isolated. I had no one. No one to understand what I went through.

But that all changed with my gf. She saw me sitting alone at my lunch table and she decided to sit next to me. I thought what is she doing? Who is she? Can I trust her? But we talked. And we haven’t stopped talking. We realized we have similar interests. We had similar goals for life. Then we started going on dates. I found what love actually is. Not what my abuser insisted was something that was perfectly normal between a man and a boy that loved each other, but being there for each other and listening to each other.

We went off to college together. But with stress, the nightmares became worse. My already bad alcoholism became worse. She sat me down and with a look of genuine concern from her, asked me what was wrong. I broke down and told her everything. We cried together. I’ll never forget what she said “your past doesn’t define you. You can’t change what was done to you but you can change how that will affect your future.”

With her insistence and support, I went to therapy for the first time in my life. A big strong man going to therapy. I can’t tell you all how much that has changed my life. The nightmares stopped. I feel genuinely happy for the first time in my life. I go to AA meetings. I’m 6 months sober now.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted any men here to know SA happens to men too. You are not alone. You too can overcome the trauma. Thank you.