I (17f).. have been going in and out of phases of being completely panicked about this for like 2 or more years now. My memory is as good as a crusty banana, and that, along with the severe amnesia of my childhood and the weirdness of some of my behaviors, has me worried. I'm so confused. I simply don't know, and I've asked people before abt this, and they just tell me to talk to my counsellors/doctors, but I can't! I just can't. She doesn't think it's vital for me to know, to remember. But I do. I got over the memories (not got over rlly, more like I have been able to function again) of what I did when I was young. I feel like I'll never know how to heal properly if I don't go further. Deeper.

So let me tell you the small pile of things that lead me to believe, if nothing else, something might have been off as a kid.

1. I can't remember basically anything from the ages of birth to around 9-11 years old. And even then, it's very spotty. I do remember small things, bits and pieces, but they're skewed, and I get things wrong easily.

2. At ~7 years old, I started having vivid "pre-dreams" as I called them, about child abuse. Dreams about naked babies, babies having things... inside them... uhm.. I... babies being tortured, babies being kidnapped, etc. I also had dreams of a much older nudist me, and I was.. typically the carer of these children. The other dreams, where the babies were kidnapped, there was a wolf. Uhm, if anyone wants more detail, I can give it. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about, tho.

3. While having dreams from #2.. I felt.. oh God. Uhm.. I felt aroused. I remember feeling my under there's feel weird, and thinking it hurt. Wishing for it to stop.

4. My sisters and I, I remember this.. idk why, once literally made out. Pretended we were.. having sex. Well, to what knowledge a however-old-I-was has of sex anyway. We'd get on top of one another and sloppily kiss one another. All while pretending to be our favorite cartoon characters...

5. I have to mention that at some point, I started going on chatrooms. You know how that'll go for a relatively innocent little girl.

6. I have this memory of literally fighting my nana so that I wouldn't have to go to my dad's (my parents were divorced, and they shared custody). Like bloody murder, PLEASE DONT MAKE ME GO WITH HIM I WANNA STAY WITH NANA! Type shit.

7. I've always been super hypersexual, but also sex repulsed.

8. I started masturbating decently early for a girl, around idk like 11 or 12? And it was never normal masturbation... I did some weird shit.

9. By the time I was 13, I started doing cam shows on my laptop via omegle. Stripping, masturbating, etc, for men.

10. The significant gaps in memory. I know I spent more time at my biodads than my memory serves to believe. Why can't I remember??

Please, somebody for the love of God. Idk what to do anymore please, tell me I'm not crazy. Please.. I can't keep doing this. I'm almost at my breaking point.

(P.S. while making this, I had a dizzy spell, which is very confusing, lmao)