It all started when my boyfriend and I had a difficult time in our relationship. We did argue every here and then, but never close to what happened there. This argument was about me feeling like he didn‘t hve any time for me so I confronted him with that. His response was that I was the one forcing him to spend too much time with me so he wouldn‘t have any time he could spend with his friends. It got out of control and in the end he „suggested“ a break of the relationship. He told me that he needed time to think about if this really is what he wants and we should stop being in contact for a while. It obviously broke my heart right there. I still loved him, he was my everything. But I was also mad about his behavior and so we both agreed on that.

People got to know about it, I don‘t know who started to spread the information because I only told my bestie about it, but a lot of people where asking about this. At this point my boyfriend and I had been together for 6 years and we were like the longest couple in our circle of friends. It took some time for me to get over that argument. In fact I never really did, but at some point I stopped just crying about it and started to live a normal life again. And common for this normal life was that I started going out with friends again.

On one of these nights out it happened that I got a little closer to a friend. My boyfriend also knew him and didn‘t really like him. And I guess I found out it also was the other way around. He was just a part of the group of friends that I went out with. We talked in the big group during pre-partying at a friend‘s house, played some drinking games together as a team and at some point started to talk about what happened between me and my boyfriend away from the rest of the group. Me being slightly drunk at that point might have been the key part of why I opened myself so much to him. However, nothing more happened right there and so we all went to the club.

We all had some fun, for me it was the first time after the argument with my boyfriend and so I enjoyed the time. I never lost contact to this guy though. He was always close to me and the other way around. And I began to feel some kind of a bond towards him. That‘s especially what might have led me to ask him to go outside. Secretly. I whispered it into his ear. And he accepted, following me to the outside area of the club. That‘s where I made a move. Again, I just felt this special bond that night. And I felt the urge to forget about my boyfriend for a moment. And the need for some intimacy. And so I seduced him, and we started kissing. Not only kissing, but slightly making out. It felt so good to me, caressing over this muscular body, someone‘s lips on mine, his hands all over my body. It made me weak, even more than I‘ve already been right there. We obviously couldn‘t take it further right there. And so I asked him if he wanted to leave with me. If I could come to his place, if I could spend the night there. And of course he accepted. We went back inside, we were looking for our group. When we found them we spent some more time in the club, until he finally made the call to leave the club. I was waiting for that, I knew I needed that right there. I told my friends that I‘d also want to leave since I wasn‘t in the mood for party anymore and so I suggested I could leave with him so I won‘t be alone on my way home. No one noticed anything I guess. And so we left. One of his friends picked us up and brought us to his place. We were both sitting in the back of the car and he was secretly touching me during the ride. It felt incredible to me. It was just exactly what I needed. And he gave it to me.

When we arrived and went inside his apartment, we immeditely started to make out. I told him how I was excited for it the whole time and he told me so was he. We landed on the couch, slowly undressing (each other). He laid me down there and started going down on me, licking and sucking on my nipples, playing with my breasts before licking and fingering me right there on that sofa, bringing me my first real orgasm since a long time. I know that he knew he was doing good. I made sure he knew it. Not even consciously, I just couldn‘t hold it back. I begged for more, and he gave it to me. He picked me up, bringing me into his bedroom, where he started to fuck me. And he did it good. The pace switches, how deep he went, the noises he made, what he said while doing it. It was just perfect. He made me come once more. I know he loved it. And so did I. He kept fucking me in different positions until he was about to cum. And when he did, I just laid in front of him, he pulled out and came all over my body. I was like hypnotized right there. It took some time for me to realize what had happened. I just waited there. He brought me a towel, which was exactly the time I needed to be able to move again.

When I finally fully realized what happened, I immediately started to regret it. Not because it was bad, the opposite was the case. But because even though my relationship was in a break, it felt like I cheated to me. I started crying, and when he asked me why, I told him about it. That might have been the most awkward reaction and moment I ever had, but his way of dealing with it was…wow. Because he told me that I didn’t do anything wrong, remembering me about the break and that I could do whatever I want. And when I calmed down a little, he started to touch me again. And it helped so much?! He made me feel so weak right there, but in a way that I absolutly loved. It just made me forget to regret anything and just focus on the moment. He kept playing until I came another time. And that‘s when I was fully done. Exhausted from everything. So we went to sleep.

The next morning we had a talk about it and I told him no one should ever know about this. Our story should be that his friend brought me home and that‘s it. He was ok with it. A few days went in and my boyfriend and I started texting again. And luckily, we both wanted to continue our relationship. I didn‘t tell him about what happened, simply because I felt ashamed. And I still do. It took us some time until things went back to normal. But we managed to get there. And I‘m happy so happy we did. What I‘m not really happy about is what happened at the beginning. We didn‘t just continue as if nothing had happened. We started seeing each other again, we did some activities, we cuddled. But we didn‘t just start to have sex again. And that made me go back to the other guy in a weak moment. I felt the need for it. I tried to surprise my boyfriend the night before. But he wasn‘t in the mood. And so I texted the other guy. And we met. And we had sex. Again. Really good sex. Again. I didn‘t feel quite as ashamed as I did the first time, even though I should‘ve. I knew it was wrong, but I kept telling myself that it was just this one time because I needed it. And this guy also made me think I didn‘t do something wrong.

From that time on I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy 16 times. 16 times until I finally decided to let it go. To stop cheating. I know it was wrong. I knew it everytime I went there. And I still did. Now I‘m still with my boyfriend. But every here and then, I just feel an urge. The urge to cheat again. I don‘t know why. And the fact that I can‘t tell anyone about it makes me go crazy.