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Part 45

Alright, guys, real talk here: This part gets into some sensitive and maybe uncomfortable territory. We’re talking about STDs, and I know it’s not everyone’s favorite subject. So, if that’s something that makes you squirm or feel uneasy, go ahead and skip this part. Seriously, no hard feelings – take care of yourself first!

-Red

I got off from straddling him and felt myself getting exposed. I mean, I had read stories and stuff like that, and it was fucking scary to think about it.
For some reason, when he brought it up, it made it feel real, like the act of talking about it turned it into more of a certainty.

I sat there quietly while Gabriel looked at me, waiting for some sort of reaction, but I had nothing to offer.

Eventually, he broke the silence and said, “Red, are you alright?” I gingerly asked, “H-h-have you ever gotten one of those?” He quickly responded, “Yes, I have. I would love to be able to tell you otherwise, but I have gotten infected before. It was nothing major, but it did happen.”
I have to be honest, the thought of him having been infected with some dirty disease changed my perception of him. How could someone so careful and neat about everything have been infected? I went from having him on a pedestal, to thinking of him in a much less favorable light, to put it mildly.
I mean, I was sure that those things only happened to prostitutes and junkies. The thought of him being a dirty junkie did cross my mind—I mean, I didn’t know.
I noticed that when he admitted to that, I scooted a little bit away from him.
Not knowing what else to say, I asked “When did this happen?” He said, “It happened a long time ago, ironically, in a monogamous relationship.” That was shocking, I said “How? How could that be possible?”
I noticed that his demeanor and eye contact never changed throughout this conversation.
He said, “Just because someone says they are monogamous, it doesn’t make it true, does it?
The reality is that I will never know for sure what happened; and to me, it does not matter.
We got into a fight, she walked out, and somehow she ended up at her coworkers house, one thing led to another and that was that.”

I asked almost incoherently, “What do you mean it doesn’t matter? I would be pissed!” and he responded, “I was. At the time I was angry, and I judged her.
But in the end, she is human and there’s no telling what she was going through inside.
Most importantly, over time, I understood the role I played in everything that happened, and I was almost as responsible as she was.

In the end, we are all humans, and we’re bound to make mistakes, she is not exempt from that rule.
With the benefit of time and distance, I understood, that lesson was necessary for me to learn quite a few things.”

Why was he taking responsibility for what happened? This didn’t make sense to me. She did something that she wasn’t supposed to do and as a result, he got infected. Seemed straight forward to me.

I asked, “What role did you play in all of that?” He quickly responded, “Red, I am all for transparency and telling you all about my past, but we must focus on the subject. I will not allow this conversation to be one of those things where we say, ‘we started talking about it, but got sidetracked’. Do you understand?”

Oh yeah… I was getting distracted, almost felt like it was “story time with Gabriel”.
I said, “Yes, I understand. I just don’t know what to do.” To which he responded, “There’s nothing TO DO. There is only understanding and accepting that STDs are something that you can acknowledge as a possibility, or you ignore them. Whichever choice you make, it doesn’t change the fact that they exist.
We can take measures to TRY to make sure they don’t happen, but other than complete celibacy, there’s nothing that will completely shield you from them.
Even the act of kissing can put you at risk.
As I found out the hard way, this is true regardless of monogamy, polyamory or any other type of relationship.

What I am trying to convey to you is that we need to understand that it is something that could happen and I am very sorry to do this to you, but as of this moment, you can never again say ‘I didn’t know this could happen’ and mean it.

Now your options are a) you can walk away from this relationship or b) stay in this relationship so we can be together, but neither option will ever completely shield you from the reality of STDs, only complete abstinence can do that for you.

Listen beautiful, I understand that this is an uncomfortable conversation, but it needed to happen. It certainly would be useless after we had sex, it needed to happen now.”

The whole thing was very uncomfortable, it almost made it real, as if he was infecting me by just having the conversation. There was a part of me that said, “and to think that I was ready to have sex with him, right then and there”.
On the other hand, he did say that we would be having these conversations, I guess the timing was not the best. There was also the side of me that cynically said “why can’t we ignore it, like normal people!?”

I said, “Gabriel, I understand that this is just a conversation, but it makes it feel so real, I don’t know how to feel or react.” He took a deep breath and said, “It should feel real, because it is real. I am not telling you that I am infected, or you are infected, I am telling you that at some point we may be and if we do, we need to handle it in the best way possible, so it won’t permanently damage our relationship.

This is all a measure to protect our relationship and keep it as intact as possible.

In most relationships, this is something that is not talked about because it is so uncomfortable.
What person in their right mind says to their monogamous partner ‘Hey, I am going to cheat on you. How would you like to handle if I get an STD?’
Obviously, they don’t have that conversation.

We are in a privileged position where we know, beyond the shadow of any doubt, what the other is doing. We know, because we are being honest about everything.

Sweetheart, I am not telling you that this is an inevitability, I am simply saying that it could happen, and we should be aware of it.

Honesty is not always as pretty as we want it to be. We, humans, love the cliché of saying that honesty is the best policy, but seldom do we ask ourselves if we can handle it.

And that’s what I am asking from you now, I am asking you to handle honesty even if it makes you uncomfortable.”

It dawned on me that he was not telling me I was infected or that I would be, he was just telling me it could happen.
In my previous experience, this was never discussed and for all I knew, Eric had given me something, it certainly was not an orgasm.

HOLY SHIT!!!! Maybe that’s why he disappeared! Maybe he gave me something, and now I had something!!

That thought made me panic and the only person I trusted enough to have this conversation was right there in front of me, so I said “Ok, Sir. I understand what you are telling me… also, MAGENTA.”
Gabriel looked lost and shocked for about one tenth of a second and immediately turned to me, gave me all his attention and said, “Red, what do you need from me at this very moment?”

I said, “Ok, ok, ok… I am panicking, so please be a little patient.

As we talk about this, I am thinking that maybe I have something? The only time I’ve had sex is like I told you with that guy I met online. We had sex and he disappeared, and it dawned on me that maybe that’s why he vanished… and… I am scared.”

Gabriel looked at me and in the most tender way said, “Red, would you like for me to hug you right now?” and I just nodded. He reached out for me, and I just sank onto him, worried, embarrassed and oblivious on what to do. While holding me, he said “Red, don’t stress about this, it will be ok. I will take you to get tested, I will get tested, and we’ll make sure Chrissie gets tested as well.
It will be OK, I promise.”

It suddenly became uncomfortably clear that throughout this entire conversation, I was judging Gabriel for something he didn’t do and allowing that judgment to sully my image of him, but then when he could’ve judged me or say, ‘I told you so’, he didn’t… He held me, reassured me and was willing to take care of me… Humbling.
Maybe he was not a junkie and deserved to be on his, now reinstated, pedestal.

While still being held by him, I said, “Sir, what if I am infected with something? Are you going to think less of me?” He quickly said, “Absolutely not, you’d still be my good girl. These things happen and all we can do is fix what can be fixed, learn from the experience and hope it doesn’t happen again.”
Feeling hypocritical I said, “Sir, can I tell you something and you don’t be mad?”, he smiled audibly and said, “Of course I won’t get mad, I promise.”
I replied, “When you were telling me about your experience, I judged you. And I am so sorry.” He just said, “I know, beautiful, it is ok, I understand.”
“You knew? How?” I asked, and he responded, “First of all, your eyes gave you away, they tell everything about you… and then your body language confirmed it.”

I smiled and said, “I have to get better at this. I can’t have you reading me like this all the time.” He laughed and said, “You mean to tell me that you’d rather spend the length of our relationship, figuring out how to hide things from me, over just being open and honest about everything? Sounds like a very tedious, frustrating relationship, don’t you think?”

I said, “I guess… but maybe I want to keep some things to myself, I don’t want you to know how full of shit I am… not yet.” And we both laughed.
I then said, “So, if it ever happened, how would you like for me to handle it? How would you handle it?”
He replied, “Just like you did today, you did wonderfully. You said your safe word, you waited for me to acknowledge it, calmly said what you needed to say and then waited for me to react.

You were magnificent, I am so proud of you.”

After that, I just burrowed myself into him and the comfort he created for me.

to be continued...