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Part 38

There was a moment of silence, but it was not awkward. It kind of felt like Chrissie and I were freely enjoying the sweets while being cared for and protected by Gabriel.
It certainly was… different.

After a few minutes of Chrissie and I eating everything and leaving nothing for Gabriel, I decided to engage Chrissie directly. These people were going to regret making me feel comfortable.
I said “Chrissie, can I ask you another question?” She quickly, and bubblish-ly, replied “Sure, what’s up?”
I said, “Are you really jealous?” I could see Gabriel just silently observing out of the corner of my eye.
Chrissie nervously said, “umm Yes”.
That was baffling to me, why would SHE be jealous? I simply asked, “Why are you jealous?” she took a deep breath and said “Red, have you looked at YOU? Do you own a mirror? You’re stunning.”
If you are thinking that I blushed, then you’ve been reading this story and are getting to know me too well, because I blushed, HARD. I looked down at my empty plate wishing that I could just hide underneath it for a minute. I could not say anything coherent, so I settled for saying “Chrissie, I am shyyyyyy!” and that led Gabriel and Chrissie to start laughing while I tried to find my composure, I am sure I left it underneath the table somewhere.

For the life of me, I could not make eye contact with Chrissie, so I looked at Gabriel, I was more comfortable with him. I still wanted to know “How do you deal with that, the jealousy?”

Chrissie took a deep breath, cleared her throat and said “Ok, ok, ok… I know that my jealousy comes from insecurity. It has nothing to do with Gabriel or with you, so please don’t feel bad.” – I noticed her getting small. I knew that feeling too well – “I understand that all the things I am about to say are a direct result of my desire to move on to a monogamous relationship with someone else. I understand that.
I know because jealousy was not something I felt before I decided to pursue a monogamous relationship.

I love this relationship, and I know that THIS is part of it. There’s just a part of me that thinks that you may be prettier than me, or that Gabriel will prefer you over me.

There’s also the fact that I am looking to find a monogamous partner, so there’s that little voice in my head that says ‘why should he bother’ since I am leaving the relationship, you know?

I also know that it is because I don’t know you that well yet and I guess it just makes me feel afraid, you know?
I am afraid that since you’re going to be spending more time with him, I will be neglected or forgotten.

Consciously, I know that he won’t let that happen, because he loves me and he knows that I love him, but my jealousy is irrational.

I also think you may be the person who will make him go the monogamous route, you know?
I know that he won’t, trust me, I tried for a long time… but the fear is there.”

I interrupted and asked, “You tried to make him monogamous? How did that go?”
Chrissie swiftly, quickly and sarcastically said “Worked out great! We got married and live in the suburbs with 3 kids.” We all chuckled.

Oooh! I did not like the sarcasm. It is good and funny when I do it, but when it is done to me, it lacks… funniness.
I could see battles of the wits between us in our future.

Gabriel jumped in and said “Nobody has tried to convert me with so much vim and vigor as Chrissie has. She was relentless.
Anyway, Chrissie, please continue your thought.”

Chrissie continued, “So, the way I deal with it is that I know they are just thoughts, and they are irrational.
Gabriel has shown me time and time again that he will be there for me, no matter what. So that makes it easier to deal with.

One of the things that I have learned from my, excuse me, OUR Sir is that just because it crosses my mind, it does not make it true, and I don’t have to act on it. They are just thoughts, I can just let them go and focus on what is fact, tried and true.
I know that I shouldn’t treat you, according to my negative thoughts, you know?

On the other hand, I know that it will go away as I get to know you better, because I know you’re a good person.”

Seeing Chrissie so vulnerable made me feel bad about all the nicknames I had given her.
I was also amazed at how in tune she was with her thoughts and emotions, at that moment, I admired her and hoped that at some point, I could be like her.

Gabriel was right, she is a person, just like me and had the same insecurities as me.
I felt connected to her, we were pretty much on the same boat. I wanted to reach across the table and grab her hand, but I could not bring myself to do it. What if she moved her hand away or just shooed me off?

Gabriel reached over to her, grabbed her hand and sympathetically said “Chrissie, you’re doing great. I am so proud of your growth and ability to express your thoughts and feelings.”
Then he reached for my hand, made eye contact and said “Red, I am so proud of you. You are being so brave and strong.”
He then looked at Chrissie and said “Chrissie, would you mind if Red holds your hand?” and Chrissie sheepishly said, “I would like that.” and extended her hand to me, and all three of us held hands for a few seconds. It was almost overwhelmingly intimate, almost. It was also… really good.

Gabriel let go of both our hands and said, “We’re going to be so good together.”
Inside I said to myself, “eeeehhh slow down buddy”, but I knew that was just me being an asshole, because I knew I felt REALLY good at that moment.

I decided to reengage Chrissie and said “Chrissie, why do you say that I am good person? How do you know?” She perked up and said “Because I trust my Sir. If he has chosen to bring you around me, he has already thought about everything and knows enough about you to be OK with this.
I don’t think you realize how protective of us he is.”

I looked at Gabriel and said, “I am starting to see that.”

That moment felt so… irrationally, good.
I mean, everything I had grown up with said “this is abnormal and a horrible idea”, but how could this be wrong?
I will grant you, everyone at the café was probably looking at us and most likely eavesdropping, but I did not care. I was too engulfed in the moment.

I wanted to say something, but I did not know how to word it in a way where it would be understood. Ah fuck it! I am just going to say it.

I said, “Our Sir and his damn cake, right Chrissie?” and we all laughed. Granted, Chrissie and I laughed more than Gabriel, but it was funny.
Well, I laughed, Chrissie jiggled, and Gabriel just looked at me with playful disapproval and laughingly said “Is this going to be a constant thing now? The whole cake thing? Because I did not approve it, and it is not that funny.”
Chrissie and I just looked at each other and said “yeahhh, it is.”

I was feeling good, and I couldn’t deny that I was enjoying Chrissie’s company. She was funny and so nice. No wonder Gabriel liked her.
I was taken aback and remembered that video I had sent to myself and watched so many times about polyamory. Where the three people looked so happy and in love… I thought to myself “wow so this is what it is like… I can see why”.

I noticed that Chrissie kept looking at her watch. I started wondering if they had plans that did not include me. After all, I did crash their date night and who knows what they had planned.
Ugh! That thought came back!
What if he was going to do MY fingernail thing to her?
Was he planning on pulling her pretty braids and saying “things” to her?
FUCK! Why do I do this to myself?
The thought of them, in the park and her big brown eyes almost rolling back, like mine were and him saying “don’t you dare closing your eyes, let me look at them” drove me instantly insane.

When I came to, I realized that Gabriel was looking at me. There’s no way he could read my thoughts, was there? No, no way!
Gabriel then said “Red, are you OK? Anything you’d like to talk about?” I tried to calmly say “No, everything is fine. Why do you ask?”
He took a deep breath and said “Red, it is obvious that something has made you uncomfortable, look at your posture and body language.”
I did not realize that while I was inside my head, I had leaned back, and my arms were tightly crossed over my chest. Gabriel couldn't see it, but my legs were also crossed and tightly intertwined. My body felt tight and tense, almost to the point of pain.

I said “No, Sir, I am fine… I just got a little chilly.” I was hopeful that would be enough to deter his prying, and we could go back to enjoying ourselves. He looked at me and said “Red, remember I expect honesty. If are not honest, we can’t understand and help each other, right?” Sigh… I guess my poker face was not as good as I had hoped.
I nodded with a bit of resignation and he said “Remember what I said to you: ‘No matter what you say to me,

I will be here for you.
I will support you.
I will do my best to understand you.
I will not judge you.
I will not reject you.
I will not abandon you.’”

He paused for a second and without taking his eyes off me said “How about you Chrissie?” without hesitation Christina said “I am here with you and for you, Red.” Her sparkling brown eyes glued to mine as she extended her hands, inviting my hand to rest on them.
Chrissie then said “Sir, is it ok if I get closer to Red?” Gabriel then asked me if it was ok, I just nodded. Chrissie gently let go of my hand and quickly moved her chair close to mine and held me.

I felt comforted and warm, my body loosened up and I just sunk into Chrissie. I was battling inside, it was weird, I had just met Chrissie, but there she was, holding and comforting me, while Gabriel held my hand.

Gabriel then said, “What’s on your mind, beautiful?”

I was overwhelmed with a sense of comfort and safety, while at the same time feeling fear and shame for what I was about to say, or at least what I wanted to say.

I thought about just running away, but I took a deep said “It’s that… I noticed that Chrissie kept looking at her watch and I felt like she was waiting for me to leave so you guys could spend time alone and do what you had planned before I crashed your date night, you know?” – my eyes started getting watery as I continued– “I felt jealous because, you know… I got jealous because you guys would want to do… stuff…” I felt Chrissie’s embrace get slightly tighter around me. Somehow, I know she knew what I felt, maybe even felt what I felt.

to be continued...