To preface this, I’ve been infatuated with my long-distance best friend for a while now, but it’s only recently been glaring up because she met a new friend this year at school, and she is now dating him. We’ve already talked in-depth multiple times about my feelings for her, and she’s been very validating to me. She sees me as her best friend, and has ensured me that I’m not replaceable, even if she divides her time among more people. That said, while I’m very happy for her, I’m also very heartbroken. I keep wondering if there’s something that he has that I don’t. But I digress.

I’m writing this post because before this knowledge made its way to my brain, I would fantasize about her regularly. I believe I have a pretty vivid libido, as I tend to masturbate at least once a day with occasional skips. I would watch porn to try and not think of her while I pleasure myself, however, it just didn’t work. She would always be present on my mind. And that’s bothered me before, but it does a lot more now because her boyfriend’s in the picture.

So I’ve stopped myself from masturbating altogether in an effort to respect their relationship. I’ve been sleeping on the couch every night because, in my mind, I can’t relieve myself there. But… tonight I touched myself out of curiosity for another fantasy. I imagined that the next time I visit her, if they have regular sex, that I could possibly implore them for a threesome. But I forced myself to stop before I climaxed. I’m struggling.

I wanted to lose my virginity to her because I trust her enough to go that far. She’s the only person I’ve considered doing that with. But it’s unrealistic. Even more so now.

I hate that I’m so sexually driven, because now, it’s getting in the way of my morality. In the way of the best friendship I’ve ever had. What do I do? Is it okay that I fantasize about her still? Is it unhealthy? Do I confront her about it? She’s been cooperative so far with my feelings, but would this be too far? Should I bring this up to my therapist?

Knowing me, I won’t hold out forever. But my infatuation is still present. I’m trying to learn to accept it so that I can move on. But masturbating to her is only going to bring me back into the thick of it.