I’m 31F, queer, and married/polyamorous. I’ve always considered myself to be pretty sexually open. I even started performing oral sex - and now enjoy it - about a year ago after not doing it for 13 years (I was orally r@ped when I was younger).

However, I seem to only be able to orgasm in very specific ways. Vaginally, I can only orgasm if my male partner is almost fully still and on the bottom so I’m riding face-to-face (and that’s an ideal situation. Half the time that doesn’t even work)… and clitorally, I can usually get myself there or use a vibrator with erotica as stimulation.

This has been the case for basically the 13 years I’ve been having sex of any kind. Usually when I’m with a partner and they perform oral on me or finger me, I’ll scream and moan but I won’t orgasm. It feels really good, but I know I don’t orgasm. And at a certain point I stop them. I always have.

Last night, I was with a new partner whom I was really excited to start dating. We had an incredible time and, again, I had him “pause” his actions multiple times because of the really good things he was doing… and as I screamed and moaned, I started crying. I couldn’t handle it. He was immediately supportive, trying to comfort me and asking me what I needed from him. Made me want to keep him even more. However…

Is my body or brain afraid of something? I’ve only fully released from someone fingering me or eating me out once (over a decade ago) and it felt like I peed a bunch of times. Maybe my brain has tricked me into thinking that will happen and that it’s bad? But I’ve also never recreated the circumstances of that time either…

Has anyone else ever felt something like this?

TLDR: my vagina tenses up and I cry instead of orgasming from finger/mouth stimulation. Wondering just how fucked up I am…