TDLR:

My (33F) husband (30M) of 7 years and I seem, at face value, to be at a really great place in life. We had our first child who is now a toddler, DH just finished his graduate program and works a great job 3 days a week, we are both in good physical shape, and we had been exploring new things sexually together. Up until very recently, this new sexploration has been very fulfilling, but something has shifted between us and now there's a lot of tension that is tough to identify, and I haven't been able to successfully talk to him about it in a productive manner. The tension has been growing and is affecting multiple aspects of our lives and is putting a strain on our relationship.

This is unexpected for me, and just seems downright scary. I feel like we can't move forwards or backwards, but we also can't stay the way we are. Advice and insight welcome!

Edit / Update:

My husband and I have started counseling and are making a lot of headway. We’re back on track relationship-wise and communicating again. He has accepted that I fantasize about hotwife scenarios, and is handling it better, although revisiting that scenario is indefinitely on the back-burner.

Still a lot of work to be done, but we’re getting back to the sexual exploration, with a lot more communication happening. Thank you all!

THE FULL STORY:

First, my sexual history. I was sexually active from a young age and became very promiscuous in my late high school and all throughout my college years. I only had a few serious relationships, but I did have a lot of casual sex. My most serious relationship prior to my husband was my first foray into the world of BDSM. For those familiar with that lifestyle, I was a bedroom submissive in a monogamous D/s relationship with a focus on bondage, obedience, and S/M. He was quite experienced, and we had something truly special ... but he was exclusively into the lifestyle and did not want any elements of vanilla sex. I was on board with that, but old habits die hard and I ended up cheating on him. Long story short, he left, and I went into a bit of a tail spin and found myself in some more unhealthy versions of BDSM with some questionable guys. After I snapped out of that phase, I worked on myself for a year or so and limited my sex life to a few casual encounters here and there ... until I met my husband.

My husband is quite different from me. He comes from a conservative background, and for his late teen / early adult years, he spent a lot of time internationally with various relief organizations and didn't have time for relationships. He was a virgin when we met at the ripe old age of 23. So far, I have been his only and only sexual partner; although, as I understand it he was routinely into porn.

Our sexual relationship has historically been very fulfilling for him. It didn't bother him that I came with a lot of experience and know-how. He was very easy to please and I took a lot of pleasure in impressing him - however, for me at least, our sex life was objectively tame and relatively vanilla in comparison to my past. Over the years, I have always found enjoyment in bringing him sexual pleasure, and he's learned exactly what I like as well ... but he wasn't too enthusiastic when I tried to introduce my preferred elements of BDSM into the picture, and I've found that I consistently miss that "new relationship energy," or the thrill and excitement of casual sex. As you would probably notice from my post history, I've had a smattering of online escapades over the years - nothing too serious, but definitely a bit beyond what I should have done as a married and monogamous woman.

In short, my sexual fulfillment could be summed up this way. I am satisfied by his satisfaction, but I want a little bit more. He's a great "lover," but not much of a "fucker," if that makes sense.

Fast forward to the baby. We actually tried to get pregnant for a few years, with no luck. Literally right when we made the decision to explore medical options - I got pregnant. We remained sexually active up until the baby was born, and then had a six month hiatus until we started up again. Having sex again was ... intimidating, scary, but nice. And he stepped up to the plate big time - he was so patient, nurturing, and understanding. That "lover" aspect of his really came through, and our sex life took a new and unique turn. We did a marriage and intimacy challenge / program and sort of stumbled upon a kind of unique but incredibly fulfilling outercourse theme for several months. Our communication, intimacy, and vulnerability with each other shot through the roof, and despite a few small hiccups our sex life was coming back better than ever.

With the newfound communication, we started being a bit more open with some of our fantasies. He actually wanted to explore pegging, which was a bit out of my comfort zone. My initial impression was that it would put me more into a dominant role (which I am not comfortable with), but the way it panned out for us was actually quite enjoyable. It was a sort of role-reversal without the power play dynamic, and kind of sensual. Well, uniquely intriguing for me, and sensual for him. Pegging has actually been the first new thing in our sex lives that originated from him, which I find to be very meaningful to me.

Here's where I think the problems might be arising. Everything else we've been exploring seems to be creating tension between us. At first, it seemed like this excited, tentative, mutual tension that almost felt like "new relationship energy." But now, it seems like we were somehow disconnected from each other, and that tension feels more like a rift.

There's multiple things - he has started to try to learn and take on the dominant role, but I've been learning that the problem is more with me. I have a really hard time submitting sexually to him, and an even harder time not comparing him to my original partner who brought me into BDSM. Its hard to get into sub-space, and it has been a little awkward and very frustrating for me. He's also struggling with the role, although I think a part of that is my lack of engagement with it. The thing is, I REALLY crave it. So, I feel like I'm at an impasse here, which makes it even more impossible to get into the right mindset.

Another tension-filled addition to our sex life is a cuckold fantasy of his that we've been exploring in a roleplay setting. I've sort of known about this one for a while, but I only tested the waters a tiny bit with that until recently. Years ago, I would tell him stories of a sexual nature from my past while giving him a handjob. It was never specific and more of a "matter-of-fact" style, but it turned him on quite a bit and was something I would cautiously revisit from time to time. It's recently evolved into a bit more of a cuckold-y sort of thing. He actually asked for it specifically, where he would ask me specific hypothetical questions of what I would do with someone new right now. It transitioned into more of a light teasing, "guess-what/who-I-want-to-do-right-now" sort of thing, and again, he seemed to love it immensely - his erections were really firm and overall his physical arousal seemed unusually high.

At some point, he started getting really irritable afterwards. I would always check in with him, reaffirm my love for him ... and he says he's fine. I tried backing off from that particular kink, but he continues to ask for it. Even now, he still get's really turned on physically ... but I'm not so sure that everything is okay emotionally.

I feel like I can't take it further, can't take it back ... but I can't stay where we are either. This particular kink is causing an inner turmoil in me, too. I miss having sex with different people - on some level, I always have, but its been more of an occasional pang of, "oh, that would be fun, wouldn't it?" Now, it truly frustrates me. Being so close to fantasizing about it together has made it a really sensitive subject - I've even ranted about wanting sex with other men to myself while driving. But I don't see that as a viable option.

So, with all of this sexual weirdness going on, we're still doing it. We haven't skipped a beat in our sex life as a whole, and we've continued these new things, but its like ... we can get each other off physically, but there's no more connection. It seems somewhat hollow, but unapproachable. And it seems like that tension is seeping into our everyday interactions.

I feel so confused. Things were so exciting and going so well, but now, I feel like we can't go forward, we can't go backwards, but we definitely can't stay where we are. I've tried talking about it, but he just insists that its fine, that he really likes where we are at now ... and we kind of tentatively butt heads on the topic and usually end up just doing it - more of the awkward, tense sex.

The idea of counseling keeps popping up in my mind, but I've got a few fears about it. First, it seems so ... sudden? If you talked to me 3 months ago I was ecstatic about our sex life. Additionally, I am really afraid that going to couple's therapy will bring my current struggles with the idea of monogamy out into the open. Again, a few months ago I was entertaining the idea that a healthy open marriage was a fantasy that was becoming a possibility (albeit, a slim one). Now, with this sudden onset of marital strife, I am so protective of my little secret, afraid that it's revelation will eventually derail our marriage.

So, with all of this said ... I don't really know what I'm asking for specifically. Or who I should ask. I suppose I'm looking for advice, or for someone who has experienced something similar and can offer insight? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.