31M, I was diagnosed only recently. It's a controversial term I don't really like, but I would describe myself as quite "high-functioning". I hold down a job, have friends & a social life, generally "pass" as neurotypical if a bit quiet or reserved in a lot of settings (although i find the masking exhausting- a topic for another time though lol). That ability to pass breaks down though in more personal and intimate settings.

Basically, my sex life has always been a struggle and not fulfilling. I have only really had one long term partner, we were together for 9 years until we broke up a year ago. That break up was mainly due to lack of sexual chemistry & low frequency (higher libido partner). Before that, I only had a handful of drunken encounters in my late teens / early 20s, which were universally excruciatingly awkward.

My main struggles basically boil down to:

• I think I have (and always have had) a lower libido than is typical for a man my age. I'm not a robot, I'm not asexual, but I was never able to relate to those stereotypes about being constantly horny. I am fit, healthy, eat well, exercise a lot so I don't think it's anything physical.
• I have a real hard time getting out of my head during sex. I have a million and one thoughts wizzing round constantly and find it super hard to switch that off.
• I struggle with flirtation, build-up, foreplay. To be more blunt- I just don't understand it. Or I understand it conceptually when I see other people doing it, but it doesn't do anything for me emotionally/sexually or come naturally to me. It's a social deficit related to my diagnosis, I'm pretty sure.
• Although I don't have sensory sensitivity as bad as some people with ASD, certain things can and do set me off, and are instant arousal killers during sex. Certain textures, background noises, lighting not the right color, being in a slightly odd position, not feeling clean, being too warm etc etc can suddenly turn me off- literally take me to zero.
• I am very passive during sex. I guess you could say I'm the male equivalent of a starfish lol. This is not by choice but often because to get in the mood I often have to literally close my eyes and focus on the sensations of my partner like some form of meditation- if I have to be more active or take the lead, it breaks my concentration and I lose arousal.
• Related to the above- it takes me a LONG time to get into the mood, like 30-40mins minimum of concentration and focus on sensations.
• This is perhaps the biggest- I have real obsession with rigid routine and planning in a way that often feels incompatible with a healthy sex life. I get very stressed by unforeseen or unexpected events, that can extend even to my partner trying to initiate or trying to be flirtatious when I hadn't anticipated it or mentally scheduled it in. Even during sex I struggle to be spontaneous and follow a set pattern or sequence of events, and get distressed or lose arousal if we have to deviate from that pattern.

I know the advice will be to see a sex therapist, and believe me, I am trying to get myself into a financial position where I can afford that, but I was just wondering in the mean time if anyone has dealt with some of these problems or can offer advice?