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It has come to my attention that I (37f) am intolerant of any overlap with emotional intimacy and my sexuality. This isn’t very surprising, the three closest relationships (marriage, an LTR and a recent engagement) I’ve had were brutally traumatic.
I’ve been sexually active 20 years and I thought my only true experience with integrated physical & emotional intimacy was with my last partner (47m). We got together after 12 years of knowing each other about 6 years after a really, really hard divorce from a marriage that lasted my entire 20s. He had a psychotic break in March shortly after a vasectomy reversal so we could have kids. Within three weeks it was all over, wedding canceled, etc while at the same time I was undergoing an emergency c-section for a potentially malignant tumor (thankfully benign). I now wonder how candid he really was being, because there appears to have been a lot of info that was not shared with me during our relationship and engagement.
So, despite loving sex, and having a ton of fun and adventures, I don’t even know if I’ve really ever experienced true, emotional intimacy, and trust with a sex partner, or any partner.
I’ve had a wonderful fwb for the last several months. It’s been the most fun and best sex I’ve ever had. We get together 2-3x a month. He completely lets me do my own thing and doesn’t pry, which has allowed the friendship to flourish. I trust him and finally shared with him what happened in the spring with my ex. He received it very graciously and kindly, with a lot of support.
The issue now is that ever since I told him, I want to run. I’ve been too anxious too sleep, crying, and otherwise completely a mess. I really, really wish I had kept those lives separate and not shared any personal info. It’s taking everything I have to not completely pull the plug and flee. It’s honestly physically and mentally excruciating to have taken down that wall. It’s weird bc with my friends I’m very open but if sex is involved I prefer strangers.
I think I need therapy. But does anyone have any books or ideas or resources that could maybe help me start to merge these identities in a healthier way? Or any personal stories?
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