Part 1 (which is inspired by Betty Martin's "Wheel of Consent" exercise) is about the kinds of "micro-decisions" we can make during sex to benefit our pleasure and our partner's pleasure.

Part 2 is about a more "macro" way to approach taking turns, at least drawn from my experience with my partner of 20 years.

Quick background:

• I have delayed orgasm, i.e. I don't climax easily. I need to be focused on that outcome. I also prefer sex to go as long as possible. My partner is usually game for 30-45 minutes but then it's diminishing returns because she gets tired and/or sore.

• I also have one of those refractory responses where after orgasm, my libido is just dead. I'm still willing to go down on my partner but she says "I can tell you're just not into it the same way after you come. It feels perfunctory" and alas, she's right. I'm happy to do it but the passion just isn't there for me the immediate wake of my orgasm.

• What my partner really enjoys is having her orgasm and then curling up to go to sleep (after a quick trip to pee because no one wants a UTI).

The problem this combination of things created is that every time we'd have sex, she'd come first and then I'd come later (some times much later) and over time, she just wasn't crazy about that routine.

So one day she took a chance and spoke her mind: "can tonight be my turn?" meaning "I want to come and then curl up and go to sleep." (AKA, "I want to have sex like a man" rimshot)

I didn't hesitate to say "sure" but after giving it a few seconds of thought, I made an additional suggestion: "since we usually have sex twice a week, why don't we take turns? Half the time, sex can end after your orgasm (assuming that's what you want), the other half, sex ends after mine." To be clear, she gets off either way whereas I usually climax every other time. (*See more below.)

This has worked really well for us, especially with our HL/LL dynamic. If we're having sex twice a week where I came last both times, she'd grow resentful and would be less interested in that frequency. But now, she knows, every other time, it's "her turn" and she has control and agency over how sex ends. It makes her more open to having sex, it increases her enjoyment, and when it's my turn to come last, she does so with enthusiasm rather than resentment. Likewise, when it's "her turn," I just throw myself into a full "serve" mode which I deeply enjoy anyways and I still get to feel like I'm being a good lover by making sure she feels fulfilled. Likewise, when it's "my turn" I enjoy my climax without guilt.

Win-win.

I really think so many couples would benefit more from a similar approach: take turns around who sex is meant to be in service to. I think couples who have different kinks tend to figure this out pretty early where Night 1 might be devoted to one person's kinks and then Night 2 is devote to the other's. That way, both people get what they want from sex even if it doesn't happen in the same session.

Obviously, there still has to be basic consent. It being "your turn" doesn't give you carte blanche to do anything you want (unless your partner is into that). But the point here is that — as with my last post — setting intentions through good communication and a generous spirit can really improve a couple's sex life by giving both people a sense of control and knowing that their pleasure can be prioritized some of the time just as their partner's pleasure will be the other times.

And to be clear, this doesn't have to be literally 50/50. It's up to each couple to figure out what "taking turns" looks like. The point is simply that both people feel like sex serves their needs even when people have different needs. It's about mutual respect and giving and receiving.

And on a practical level, I just think it can be an elegant solution to situations of "my partner prefers ____ but I prefer _____" and all the frustration that comes with trying to negotiate that in a single session.

Your mileage may vary but I think it's totally worth a shot for couples who haven't tried this out.

Some one may note "under your arrangement, your partner comes every time, you only come half the time...you good with that?" And for me, the answer is "yeah!" mostly because on nights where it's "her turn" I get so aroused that I usually enjoy a very satisfying orgasm later by myself. My partner has no problem with me masturbating in bed next to her since I do my best not to wake her and as such, I usually get myself off 1-2x/day. For me, that frequency of orgasms doesn't remotely diminish my desire to have sex with her but obviously, every person is different. The point being: it doesn't bother me that I only have an orgasm during partnered sex once a week since I'm having at least 12 /week on my own.

This has also helped me rethink my attitude toward sex and shifting away from the "outcome" and instead, focusing on the experience. On the nights where it's my partner's turn, she may not come either but we can still enjoy the feeling of sexual intimacy and desire flow through/around us. In other words, we've landed at a point where sex can be deeply enjoyable and fulfilling sans orgasm because the focus is ultimately about feeling connected and intimate and sexy. Orgasm may help but it's no longer a requirement for "good sex" to happen between us.

TLDR: Take turns with sex so that one session can be devoted to your partner's pleasure and the next session is devoted to yours