So I've been broken up with a few months ago after 14 years. We have been together since we were both 17 and never slept with anyone else. For context, it ended because he "couldn't work on the relationship anymore and has never been on his own".

The relationship turned sexless for the last few months, with sex 1-2 times a month maybe for the few years before. No vacation or occasion (birthday etc.) sex. The sex we did have before was amazing, but when his enthusiasm and initiating went away, I got self conscious and struggled with initiating as well. My libido actually went up considerably as I got closer to 30, and being rejected over and over again, not feeling desired and or even admired by him did get to me.

I'm an open minded person. For years we talked about participating in swinging, not as a weekly thing but more as an occasional thing. We were both into it, but when he started disconnecting for me I asked to actually attend some parties multiple times and it'd just be ignored, so I stopped asking after a long time.

I'm now finding myself single, absolutely uninterested in relationships but missing sex. It has been such a long time since I had sex and not just masturbated, since I felt desired by someone and just enjoyed that experience with someone else. So I did a slightly reckless thing of signing up to a sex party by myself. The dating apps scare me a lot, and my logic was that I still want to try the parties, there's a considerable screening process (so in my mind, fewer creeps) and it seems to me that a sex positive environment will feel safer than a random one night stand person.

However, as the party date approaches I find myself getting apprehensive. I'm not over the breakup emotionally yet, I haven't had sex in ages and I've never slept with anyone else. I don't have an ideal figure and am worried I don't know how to "perform" anymore. I know I don't have to do anything at the party (it's female led and I heard people are very respectful of that in that community) and I can just ease myself in by watching or chatting to people. I don't HAVE to do anything, even though I want to. But it feels scary and intimidating, like I'm a virgin or something.

Do you have any advice on how to get over that anxiety? I really do miss sex a lot, but I feel very inexperienced now, like a teenager.

Thank you in advance.