My wife and I are trying to understand each other more, to communicate more openly around sex and intimacy. In our discussions we think my wife has primarily responsive desire and at points I've also raised the possibility that scheduling sex might be worth trying. This has always been shot down by my wife as she says she prefers things to be more spontaneous, only they rarely are.

So my question is, is this a case of expectation not meeting reality? Can those with responsive desire ever really be spontaneously sexy? Is it more nuanced than that?

I think there's another issue we have where my wife is struggling to identify what motivates her to think about having sex, what's the best way to approach that if you haven't thought about it before?