So I have an update on the post I wrote on here from a different account a few days ago about how for years I'd been pushed into sex by my partner upon waking despite me protesting and being half asleep and how when we broke up it was one of the things I brought up as I believe it could be considered rape. But he told me because I'd said I liked being dominated and forced in the past he didn't realise/was some miscommunication so it was a bit of a grey area and I accepted that as it being my fault too.

Since we got back together a few months ago it has happened three times. I finally spoke to him tonight about it and it went like this:

I said "rape is a strong word and I know your personality, you're a good person and I know you wouldn't do it to a randomer and I believe if I shouted at you when you have pushed me then you would stop quickly, so in a way I believe rather than raped me you have actually disrespected me with being a bit of a pest when you're horny in a morning and not listening to me say no. You told me when I had this out with you before when we broke up that it was because of miscommunication and my fault for giving you mixed signals cause you know I like being dominated sometimes. But since we got back together it's happened three times, in a morning..... You have woke me and I've told you no repeatedly, over and over, I am not awake properly and not in the mood, that I'm cold and want the covers back. I have moved away from you, pushed you with my legs, tried to turn over and you have held my legs apart and gripped them.. I kept saying no and eventually you stop but just before you do every time you push yourself inside of me and penetrate me before you finally lay back down. Some could say this is rape to a point, or at least disrespect. You can't blame me anymore when I've already told you how I don't like this before, I was upset and told you but you blamed me before. And actually thinking back there were so many times in a morning where you forced me into it and it was clear I was distressed."

He said to me "I'm sorry I know this has happened, I am so horny on a morning."

I said to him "as are most men I'm sure"

He said "but today, I really wanted to do it to you, honestly you was laid there and I wanted to pester you but instead I got up and made you a cup of tea and woke you up nicely." I said "yes okay and that's how it should always go"

He said "yeah but you're focusing on three times but all them other mornings since we got together I haven't done it and have wanted to before"

I said "so you are saying the three times don't matter because you haven't done it every time? I told you before we got back together that this was a problem.. He said "I know.. I am sorry, I think it is an old habit."

I said "I feel like you're dismissing what you have done. You do know it became so normal to me I didn't even consider it as rape or a bad thing. But since I've been reflecting, I used to put shorts on to bed sometimes and feel relief knowing you wouldn't bother me if I did that. And when my period came I felt relieved too. To have a break. And honestly I have only just realised I was feeling that way for a long long time. It became so normal to me. And we have had sex regular, I've always been willing most of the time so I don't think you can say it's because I won't do it normally."

He started crying and said he feels like a shit and he knows he has been wrong. He was quiet as he sat there. He then apologised and said he is sorry that I feel he doesn't respect me. I then hugged him and said sorry because I felt bad for making him feel bad.

Now I've had time to process the conversation I feel quite shocked. I do believe that now I have really stressed that what he has done is not on that he won't do it anymore. At least he acknowledged it and said sorry but I had to fight for that in a way... It is almost like the first time last year I raised it as an issue in our relationship he blamed it on me being a bit kinky about it and how he was confused what my boundaries are but he knew my feelings on it clearly this time round and still did it and came up with a different way to excuse it. I forget things quite easily and it makes me wonder what else has been made to be my fault or been excused :(

He once broke up with me years ago and told me it was my fault for something I'd done years before and that he couldn't get over it despite accepting my apology years before, let me take on all the blame for the breakup, I was heartbroken and then weeks later I found out he had been messaging women/on a dating site and flirting with women behind my back before he broke with me. But wouldn't admit he was at fault at all until I confronted him with the evidence.

I feel this situation is proving slightly similar?