How do I approach, no time for sex...

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I'm 41M. My new girlfriend is 40F. We are both attracted to each other. We talk about wanting sex with each other. We get hot and heavy when we get a minute, literally a minute. But she basically has no room in her life to be alone with me. We both have 9 year old kids. I can make time. I can get a baby sitter. I can have her in my bed. But she does not want to get a sitter. She feels guilty. And her daughter stays in her room because she is afraid of the dark. That leaves 0 out of 7 nights and mornings for alone time. Work takes 5 days. And the kids take the other two days. How do I approach this? We've been dating since before Thanksgiving. We hit third base at Christmas. And we had sex once last week. It's killing me. I'm a very involved, thoughtful man to her and both our kids. We do things together constantly. She's always telling me how turned on she gets just watching me parent. She even proves it, I'll leave those details out but you can imagine. I just don't know what to do. Her daughter is the number one thing in her life. Of course. I would never want to change that. I'm not going to beg her for sex. I'm not going to threaten to break up if I don't get it. I don't want her to feel bad and give me sex. I obviously need to talk to her about this. All I can think to say is you need to get your daughter to sleep in her own bedroom so we can have some time alone together. Any thoughts on how to approach this? I'm very nervous about what she's going to say when I tell her. But it's literally driving me crazy. I'm texting this into Reddit at midnight and I've been trying to sleep for 2 hours. I needed to get this off my chest and I really need some advice. I've done a lot of searching before I decided to write this and it seems like most issues in relationships happen later. It seems like everybody else in the world is having sex seven times a week when relationships start. This is the first relationship in my entire life that's ever started this way. I know she's worth the time and effort. Thanks for any help.

Comments

DanteTheSayain

It sounds like you’re really invested in this relationship and deeply respect your girlfriend’s role as a mother, which is great. You’re also clearly feeling the strain of not having enough intimacy, and that’s a valid concern.

Since you don’t want to pressure her or make her feel bad, the key is to approach this as a team—focusing on finding a solution together rather than just expressing frustration.

How to Approach the Conversation:

1.  Acknowledge Her Perspective First
• Let her know you understand how important her daughter is and that you respect her commitment as a mom.
• Example: “I love how dedicated you are to your daughter. It’s one of the things I admire most about you.”

2.  Express Your Feelings Honestly, Without Blame
• Make it clear that this isn’t about pressuring her but about strengthening your relationship.
• Example: “At the same time, I miss having real alone time with you. I love what we have, and I want us to be able to connect physically too.”

3.  Focus on Solutions Together
• Instead of just saying, “Your daughter needs to sleep in her own bed,” which might sound like a demand, ask her what she thinks a solution could be.
• Example: “I know your daughter staying in your room makes things tough. Do you think there’s a way we could carve out time for just us?”
• Maybe she’s open to small steps, like getting her daughter more comfortable in her own bed or finding time during the day instead of only at night.

4.  Reassure Her
• If she feels guilty about prioritizing time for your relationship, let her know that making space for intimacy doesn’t mean she’s neglecting her child.
• Example: “I completely get that being a mom comes first. I just want us to find a way to nurture our relationship too because I think we have something really special.”

If She’s Resistant:

If she’s not open to any changes, that’s a sign that she may not be in a place where she can prioritize a romantic relationship in the way you need. In that case, you’ll have to decide if you can continue with the current situation or if it’s a deal-breaker for you.

This is a tough spot, but having an open, solution-focused conversation should help you both figure out where to go from here.

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DanteTheSayain

Super happy to help!

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