I have been seeing my seeing my boyfriend for almost a year now and since the beginning I have sensed that he has a weird energy around sex. For a while I thought it might be me because of how long it had been since my last relationship, but as I’ve settled in. he’s gotten more reserved. More recently he’s hardly wanted it at all, and being very explicit in saying so.

He struggles to get an erection more often than not, and often alludes that I just want him for sex, or say, I move too fast/ come on to strong. Initially I didn’t think much of any of this. I have always had the lower libido (except for one other guy who may have had a similar struggle). He mentioned it was an issue in the past so I tried to put off feeling bothered by it, but it has become a problem, because it is very hard to not take it personally when he says stuff like that. We’ve also talked about it and he knows he needs to work on how he communicates. Still, I’m afraid there is something I don’t understand about the issue.

Also, I have some specific things for my pleasure that I am not shy about, like sensitivity with oral and feeling like it is an important part of sex for my pleasure. I think he may have took it personally, like a failure of him because he isn’t perfect. He also always anxiously asks if I came, even though I explicitly say it- you know how it is!

I came across a sex and relationship podcast that had an episode addressing male performance anxiety and things surrounding it. I found it very enlightening, but I still have so many questions. One of the things they discussed was a man being turned off by women coming on too strong because it feels like they are being used for sex. I struggle to understand this because I am so in love and think of sex specifically as tool for connection with my partner.

This is just a whole new kind of issue for me, so I am hoping to get people’s experiences, and maybe some advice for how I can improve my approach. Like I know I should try to not come on too strong, but how can I approach this in a way that will attempt to satisfy both our needs. What your ladies do that you like, etc.. I also think body image stuff could be at play!

Anything helps! Thanks