My partner (39F) and I (33M) have been together for 3 years. The first year, her sex drive was insatiable.

Second year we started falling into a pattern, so to speak, especially when we moved in together. This pattern consisted of having sex a few nights a week before bed, and usually more on the weekends.

Over the last year, we’ve had some pretty stressful situations come up which I know can have a massive impact on sex drive, and she’s gained a lot of weight… which further affects her libido.

As of today, I think the last time we had sex was about a month ago. This last weekend we were joking around, and I said something to the extent of “well shit, I’m just gonna get a side chick”. She knew I was joking, and even joked right back “go for it, then you’ll quit bugging me for sex” both of us laughing the whole time. However, that brought a question to my mind. “Was she really joking, or is she serious that she doesn’t want to have sex with me?” Because of this, I sat her down last night and decided to have a real conversation about the subject.

I explained to her that I am genuinely concerned that our sex life is all but nonexistent, and it’s making me feel as though she is not attracted to me anymore. She explained that due to life stress she hasn’t been feeling it, and because of the weight gain she has become extremely self conscious.

As we were talking, I explained to her that I fully understand where she is coming from but there isn’t much I can do for her in those aspects other than being supportive, and trying to help her find a diet that would work for her. I offered to create some form of workout routine for her, and to start working out with her because I know that I too could use the exercise. I also explained that, while I am perfectly capable of enjoying non sexual intimacy, and do enjoy those parts of our life, I also have a strong libido, and do have my sexual “needs”… which is where the fight started.

From what she said, the best I can gather is that she thinks all I want is sex. After I explained that if sex was all I wanted, it would have been made clear from the beginning and that it’s not that sex is all I want, but I do feel that my sexual needs/desires are being neglected. I further explained that I don’t “expect” us to have sex every night, but that a couple times a week would be really helpful in the aspect of keeping my libido at bay, but I also feel bad asking for sex because a lot of times it feels like she only engages to keep me satisfied.

When I explained to her that I didn’t want her to have sex with me with the mindset that it’s just a chore, she retorted to me that it shouldn’t matter because at least “your getting yours”. This greatly upset me because I have always been of the opinion that sex is about the intimacy, energy exchange, and mutual connection on a level that transcends emotional boundaries… and for her to tell me that it shouldn’t matter as long as I get what I want completely undermines what sex is to me, but instead creates a situation in which I’m just using her body to masturbate. If I wanted that, I would just masturbate… the conversation finally ended with me telling her that I will quit asking her for sex, and keep masturbating… and when she wants sex, she knows where to find me.

I’m not sure if I’m asking for advice here, or if I’m just venting. I am sure, however… that something has to give. I feel like in my relationship I’m giving my all in every interaction, and doing everything I can to make sure that all of her needs are met both physically and mentally. I provide for my family in all aspects, I’m emotionally supportive, I communicate openly and honestly, and I have goals outside of my relationship that I work hard to achieve every day… but lately it feels like I’m the only one giving that effort. I’m fairly certain that I am not the only one, and understand that there are always situations in which giving 100% means you just barely manage to get out of bed, but in the same breath it feels like while I’m doing everything in my power to meet all of her needs, my needs are being neglected and cast to the wayside.

I don’t think this is an issue that is serious enough to break up over, and I know we love each other… but I’m still stuck wondering what I can do to help her not only feel more attractive, but also help her manage her stress. Any attempts to figure this out just end in her shutting down and not communicating.