My boyfriend (21M) and I (32F) have been together for about 2.5 years. We are best friends with each other and spend most of our free time either talking or doing things with each other (games, reading, walks, etc). We live separately but would love to move in together. We have great sex communication and enjoy trying new things together.
**Past threesome stance**
In the past, my bf brought has asked if I would ever be interested in a threesome. It's something I've never done, but the thought of it has always given me great anxiety. I consider myself demisexual, and a far past experience left a bad taste in my mouth considering the subject. Although disappointed, he accepted that it wasn't for me. Over 2 years, he's made a few comments about how it'd be hot or made a few teasing jokes that were within the context of our conversations. He wouldn't go further because he knew it made me uncomfortable, and would apologize if he felt I was.
**The issue**
Flash forward to a week ago when we were joking with a virgin friend about what her type is (very close knit & open feeling friend group). It popped into his head that it would be fun for us to be able to show her a few sexual experiences in a safe environment, but halted that thought because of my feelings. It led him down a spiral of thoughts such as being frustrated with wanting to explore something he can't, worrying about what if he regrets down the road, frustration with himself that he wants something that makes me uncomfortable, and feelings that I deserve better than him. I knew something was wrong and he opened up to me about all these feelings. Although he said tried to reassure me that our relationship was what was important to him, my fear of abandonment (from a past experience) went into overdrive. I didn't want to see him have these distressing thoughts and wanted to support him. But my anxiety screamed that maybe he'd leave me and I felt guilty that perhaps I had deprived him of certain sexual experiences since I've been his only partner.
I told him that although I had a lot of anxiety, it was something I'd be willing to explore. Me even being open to the idea apparently took a huge burden off his shoulders. Over the course of the next couple days, we started **very** thoroughly talking about our limits. And he kept checking on my comfort levels. And although it was still anxiety causing, I insisted that I wanted to try for him and that we'd just take it slow. A week after the initial conversation, a friend couple that's experienced in that area agreed to it.
**My breakdown, wheee**
That day was also when my bf and I were hanging out in person. After, he turned to me and asked if I was sure this was something I wanted to do. With him being there in person and this all becoming very real, I broke down. I told him all my anxieties about him leaving me if I didn't try, my guilt over depriving him of experiences, and how frustrated with myself that I couldn't be ok with something seems easy for others ("us as a couple trying a fun thing with platonic friends we trust" sounds so simple). He said that although it's something he wants to try, and he can't promise that his desire to try ever won't grow (can't see the future), that our relationship is what's most important to him. And that me being uncomfortable with it makes him uncomfortable with it.
That day was also when my bf and I were hanging out in person. After, he turned to me and asked if I was sure this was something I wanted to do. With him being there in person and this all becoming very real, I broke down. I told him all my anxieties about him leaving me if I didn't try, my guilt over depriving him of experiences, and how frustrated with myself that I couldn't be ok with something seems easy for others ("us as a couple trying a fun thing with platonic friends we trust" sounds so simple). He said that although it's something he wants to try, and he can't promise that his desire to try ever won't grow (can't see the future), that our relationship is what's most important to him. And that me being uncomfortable with it makes him uncomfortable with it.
The next morning, he texted our friend couple right away and told them that we were shelving it for now. Because although he's still curious about it, our relationship and my comfort is what's important. I feel both great relief, but also still frustrated feeling with myself. Although I know sometimes couples need to compromise and that everything is for everyone, I still wish I could be ok with trying it without going into a near panic attack or disassociating. What can I do?
TLDR:
Bf & I have wonderful communicative best friend kinda relationship. He wants to explore threesome, but idea causes me near panic anxiety. He was very supportive and reassures me that relationship is most important to him. I insisted on trying for sake of him, got to point where friend couple agreed, I broke down. He shelved it for my sake with lots of reassurance. I'm still frustrated with myself, would like to be ok with trying, but don't know why. How heck do I accomplish that?