Hi all,

Made a throwaway because I'm so so ashamed.

Background:

I am extremely turned on by voyeurism. When I watch porn, I usually watch vids of guys jerking off in public, in their car, in public restrooms, outside, you name it. If a guy is jerking off somewhere he shouldn't be, I'm into it. Bonus points if it's multiple strangers in a circle jerk-type situation.

I'm a rather "pro taboo" person, meaning I get off to a lot of typically taboo stuff, so it's really hard for me to be turned on by vanilla sex (this is important for later.)

Situation:
We recently moved and now I have a sort of vantage point over him by sitting at the top of the stairs. I can see what he's doing basically, as long as I'm sneaky. I recently got into the habit of just... watching him. Like, watching him do stuff, being sneaky. Even doing that, even when he's not jerking off, it turns me on a little. So I started texting him nasty texts messages like "Oh if you were upstairs right now I'd be sucking your dick" etc. Of course, he is easily turned on, so he whips his dick out and starts playing with himself.

Meanwhile, I'm kind of right behind him and he doesn't know it. The first time I did it, and I realized he was jerking off, I quickly grabbed my vibrator and I literally masturbated and finished right there on the steps and didn't tell him, then I quietly snuck back upstairs and invited him to come up and have sex with me. That was SUCH a HUGE turn on for me. I mean HUGE. My heart was RACING while I watched him do that (even now, my heart is picking up speed because I am remembering how much of a turn on it was).

Yesterday, I tried to do it again. I goaded him into pulling his dick out and I started texting him sexual things... suddenly.... he turned his head and startled, said "Hey!" but not in a rude way, in a pleasant way.

I wanted to throw up. I quickly scattered, ran to the bedroom and started sobbing. I felt like I ruined everything. He now knows I can watch him and he is probably not ever going to let his guard down again, especially if I try to be sexual with him. I tried to explain the situation to him and he told me that he has the memory of a goldfish... but I still feel like it's ruined. He will probably always suspect me to be there, whenever I am sending him nasty messages. Even more so now that I had a meltdown and made it a huge deal.

Why is it such a big deal for me? I feel like I haven't been this turned on in a LONG time. And... well all of the other turn ons I have, I feel, are shameful. I feel disgust and embarrassed, like I should never be into the things that I'm into. But the fact that I can voyeur my OWN BOYFRIEND and be so turned on by it is important to me. I don't feel "bad" for watching "another guy" masturbate. it's my own boyfriend. And my "fave" videos get so tiresome after a while... Admittedly, even when we're having sex, I'm visualizing him sitting at his desk jerking off. I'm utterly obsessed with it. All of my other turn ons don't even compare to the thrill I get from this.

So here's my thing: what do I do? How do I scratch this itch? I'm really only turned on when he doesn't know that I'm there. I've considered buying cameras and installing them so that he doesn't know they're there (I know... I should be ashamed but even that thought is such a turn on) and just leaving the house so he 100% knows I'm not going to be there... but of course, that's such a violation of privacy right? I know he's a pervert so he's always playing with himself. But if he knows the cameras are there, he's going to definitely do it less.