I’m posting here because I can’t sort my thoughts and I need the opinion of those that have the experience that I don’t.

The title is self explanatory. We’ve been together 8 Years. Married for just about 5. Have a toddler that’s almost 3.

Our sex life has always been... almost forced for her or a lot of effort for her to want it. In the beginning she was my first, i had fooled around and done everything but. I’m sure I was overwhelming at first because I know I wanted to be great at it, satisfy the one woman in my life as best I can, so I wanted it a lot.

Fairly early in our relationship (1...2 Years in) we got pregnant. We weren’t in a place to have a child whether it be for our jobs sake, our financial security/lack thereof, or just our maturity and ability to handle a child at that age. Because of this we had an abortion.

I won’t say abortion changed our sex life, because even before it was just about always on her terms. Its been this way since we’ve gotten together, she has anxiety and on her terms puts her in control and in s better head space. Having a child once again never felt like it changed things, less sleep so less frequent sex of course but regardless. On her terms and I do my best to listen and learn.

However on our most recent vacation to Hawaii she told me before that she was dreading the trip because she was thinking all I wanted was sex to which I replied something along the lines of “I mean why not? We’re gonna be in Hawaii without our toddler!”

This made for a very lengthy talk while on vacation of sex always being this effort for her (which I’m well aware of I’ve been there every time) and how it shouldn’t feel this way.

I’ve myself reached the point of I don’t know what to do anymore and so has she. I’ve bent over backwards trying to conform to the tight standards that she needs and never understood them but been ok with them because of her anxiety. And I can say not proudly I’ve tried to push past these bounds because the same sex every time can be blah.

To sum up the fruition of our conversation we had in Hawaii and again today is this; She wants to open our marriage because she’s tired of holding me back (which is a fucking huge thing of someone to say) and is tired of having the pressure of my sexual desires all on her. I just can’t get past the feeling of not being enough for her and can’t get past the jealousy of her being with others (she had partners before me and I couldn’t care less). It’s not so much that she wants other people, it’s hard to explain but I’ll try. She’s always guarded in the bedroom, I can’t initiate, we can’t try new things. And I can’t get past how she can have this intense guard up with me but is willing to let that guard down for another person. This is the hardest thing for me to get past as her husband.

Help? Thoughts from those in open marriages that were previously monogamous?

No I don’t think she’s cheated or wants a specific person. I have never cheated or wanted a specific person other than her.