I would like to push back, just a bit, against one of the truisms of healthy sexuality. That is that boundaries and limits should be inviolate. It seems that many, especially in the BDSM community, understand this. It is somewhat implicit in the whole “safe word” thing. A safe word allows one to decide in the intensity of the moment, and not beforehand, where the event will go.

The reason this is important is the very nature of sexual exploration. That is sex is magical in its ability to change our perspective in significant ways. But social scripting sets a lot of parameters that can make it difficult to transcend social limits. If we listen to those parameters in inflexible ways when we are not at the height of sexual excitement, we limit the range of experience.

Most of us have things that do not seem all that agreeable when we are not in a state of sexual arousal, but that become, not just acceptable, but desirable as we get there. One of the great joys of sexuality is the surprise that it can cause in where we go. That joy can be squelched by reckless fear and paranoid limits placed at the wrong time. Yet so often this is the advice that is given, “talk about it and set your limits ahead of time.” This is like taking swimming lessons having decided that you will never go into the deep end of the pool.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are certain limits that have to do with safety and morality that should be discussed before play begins. If these limits have gravity for you, then it is a good idea to keep coming back to them and questioning them both while unaroused and aroused. If, for example, you are drawn to sex with children or unconsenting adults, it is a good idea to check where that is leading you.

The highlights of my sexual life have almost always taken me someplace unexpected. What about you? Have you ever been so extremely aroused that you were surprised by newly discovered desires? How did you feel about it later?