My partner and I have been together for over a year now, and have had absolutely no communication/trust issues thus far. We’ve had several conversations in the past about what we like and/or dislike in the bedroom, sexual fantasies, etc. We’re both pretty switchy, in that I like to be the boss of him, so to speak, about 50% of the time, and vice versa. He told me pretty early on that he likes pain, but didn’t go into too much detail. I have no problem with that, but since he hadn’t gone into specifics, I’ve been playing it safe and doing somewhat tame things to him during sex, ie biting, scratching, light choking, dirty talk in which I’m putting him in his place, etc. He really seems to love it and gets off on it, and I’m happy to oblige. He did also mention that he wanted to get smacked around, but I’ve never actually slapped anyone, much less during sex, so I have yet to explore that with him. My big worry in regard to that is that I don’t know what his pain tolerance is/how much strength to even use when slapping someone. I want to make sure he’s okay with it beforehand as well, since being slapped can come with some feelings of humiliation, and I don’t want to subject him to that unless he’s in the right headspace for it.

Just recently, I asked him if he felt comfortable sharing any other sexual fantasies he may have. His birthday is coming up soon and I want to make sure we have a fun time. Well, he really opened up this time and told me more of what he means when he says he’s into pain. He told me that he’s considered asking me to whip him, whether that be in a sexual or non-sexual context. He of course told me that if I’m not into the idea, then there’s absolutely no pressure to go forward with it. To be honest, I wasn’t that surprised, and again, I’m happy to oblige. However, my dilemma is that I’ve never engaged in this level of play before. I have no idea how to introduce pain like this into our sex life while also making it sexy, making sure I don’t hurt him past his limits, and making sure that he still knows that I love him even if I’m hurting him. He has also shared with me that one of his past partners was a professional dominatrix. I haven’t asked him what all they explored together, the kinds of things she did with him that he enjoyed, etc, not because I have a problem with it, but because I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to bring up past experiences with an ex.

So far, I’m planning on having another conversation with him about it where we can talk about hard/soft limits, safe words, any other form of pain he wants to experience, and maybe just having a session with him in which I test how much pain he prefers? Just so I know how much strength I should use. Other than that, I’m a little at a loss! What are some other ways I can make this safe and fun for us? Also, how can I really turn up my “domminess”?? I can do some dirty talk, but I want to work on being more commanding. I have a small collection of strappy leather lingerie that he really seems to like, but I also have a traditionally very cute looking face, and sometimes when I take charge, I can’t help but imagine myself as a chipmunk trying to be mean to a grown man lol. Any advice and ideas are appreciated!