I opened up to my wife about having fantasies that she can't fulfill. I was stupid. The conversation ended with a mutual agreement that I wouldn't actually do those fantasies, but that it was fine to think about.

Well now I can't even think about them. All I feel is relentless shame. I had a rich fantasy life and a very positive relationship with my body, so long as I was sufficiently aroused to forget about everything else.

Masturbation was something I craved, and the ritual of it was both an escape and a stress relief.

It's been three weeks since I've touched myself and it's reaching the point of both desire and nausea at the thought.

Tonight is a typical situation where I would relax and then have a go, my body wants it but I just feel like crying.

It was already so hard to get rid of the "standard" puritanical shame about sex in general. Now I'm back there, but it feels different. I can't blame society. Just myself.

I could write an essay reassuring someone else about how Normal and Healthy it is to masturbate and telling them to just Go For It with no problem. But it's different this time, it's different for me, and I don't know how to fix it.