I lost my virginity at 25 go a man who was 12 years older than me who was very emotionally abusive. I forgave a lot of red flags, but ended up breaking up with him twice over him resisting and delaying getting STD tested, and him getting upset at me saying that I wouldn’t have sex with him until he got tested. We had planned to be sexually exclusive but based on how often be lied to me, I don’t believe he stuck to that promise.

I ended up getting HPV, even though I’m vaccinated against it and always used condoms. He never spoke to me again after I told him. He didn’t even acknowledge the text, even after I expressed how important my sexual health was to me, and even though we were still coworkers who had to see each other very often.

It’s caused me a significant amount of anxiety that has prevented me from going on dates at all in the last year, even though I really want to. I don’t want him to be my only sexual experience, but I’m petrified about a man lying to me about an STD test.

I have a high libido and want to have sex and I’m willing to without first committing to a relationship, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable having sex with someone who is with other people because of the STD issue. I know realistically, people who hookup before relationships are unlikely to want to be sexually exclusive.

Not only am I scared about a man faking a test, or lying to me about having multiple partners, but also even if I got to a place where I was okay being with someone who was with multiple people, I’m also wondering how much I can trust a real STD test if that person is with other people I don’t know? It’s not like I can ask him to get a test before every time we have sex. I mean, he could be having sex with someone the day before. I’ll always insist on condoms for penetration, but I don’t want to be anxious in the moment about preventing any genital contact at all.

I’ve talked a lot with my therapist about this, but I haven’t really figured out how to get over this fear, or how common it is for men to lie about sexual health and exclusivity. I live in LA, so there’s not a great dating pool to begin with.

Does anyone have any advice on how to reduce my anxiety on this issue?