So first off, I’m not attracted to my actual physical real-life mother. The idea of being with her sexually is hard to even fathom and to the degree I can it’s completely disgusting to me.

That being said I hardly know my mother. She left when I was a little boy and I’ve hardly seen or talked to her since. I was so sad as a boy because I missed her so much, growing up feeling she didn’t really want or love me. That sadness has never gone away.

When I was young and started watching porn, one of the things that was really popular was fake-incest. A lot of “step-mom and step-son”. I don’t remember the very first time I saw it, I remember feeling hesitant to watch it, but I eventually did and it quickly became my absolute kryptonite. I never looked up ACTUAL real incest videos but I always pretended the step-mom and step-son were actually related. That mother/son fantasy bond and connection just turned me into the most primal, wild, and desperately horny mess. It spoke to something at the core of me and I needed it so badly.

My sense of shame was so great watching this stuff. I felt like such a horrible freak. I eventually stopped consuming any porn because I didn’t want to get off to those fantasies anymore. For over a year I went without it and without any sex with anyone else. Besides being socially awkward, the shame I felt about it all has made me want nothing to do with sex.

Recently I’ve been really stressed and hornier than usual and one thing led to another and for the last few days I’ve been binging on mother/son erotica. It’s been a mixture of elation and really bad stomach pain and deep shame.

Now I’m sitting here crying as I write this. I hate myself. Why am I like this? I’m 24 years old and haven’t been in a relationship. How could anyone really love me if they knew this? Will any woman want to be in a relationship with me when I tell her about this? When we share our fantasies and I tell her mine? How my deepest darkest fantasy is being an actual son with his actual mother, both of us needing each other in every way more than words can say?

I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting this. I guess some genuine confirmation I’m not bad or disgusting or crazy or alone or worthless. I do feel bad and disgusting and crazy and alone and worthless though. I hate myself so much.