Okay, so this post ended up being much, much longer than I’d planned, so I split it up into 4 sections to make the reading easier for anyone who’s actually crazy and curious enough to read the whole thing (can’t blame you if you’re not).

Background: descent into kinkdom

I’m a guy in my thirties and I’ve always been sexually attracted to women. I love their soft, curvy, hairless bodies. Their feminine features. Their breasts, their tummies, their buttocks, their legs, their feet… I love it all, with one exception: vaginas. No offense whatsoever meant to anyone with one, of course, but for whatever reason, I simply do not feel attracted to them. When there’s a close-up on one in pornography, I just keep wishing they go back to the woman’s face or torso or butt or legs or just about anything else.

My lack of natural attraction notwithstanding, since relationships are about giving and receiving, when I had a girlfriend, I nevertheless fingered and naturally penetrated her vagina. However… I could never bring myself to go down on her. I have friends who tell me they love doing it to their girlfriends, but the thought of cunnilingus is regrettably a turn-off for me. Perhaps that’s why my girlfriend broke up with me, but I digress.

Anyway, after that one girlfriend I had, I’ve been single for a really long time, and during that time I developed and/or embraced more and more fetishes and kinks. The main one being femdom. I have a real masochistic and submissive streak in me, and the thought of domination and humiliation at the hands of women turns me on immensely.

I’m also a fan of anime and manga, so at some point I started watching and reading pornographic femdom-based content of that nature (hentai and doujins, for the uninitiated). Although I was rather ambivalent at first, eventually I started being attracted to the idea of strap-ons as well, especially being made to suck one by a dominant woman as she verbally humiliates me. Anal didn’t appeal to me as much. I tried playing with myself a few times but it never really felt good to me, so I quickly stopped.

Dark night of the soul: questioning my sexuality and shame

Anyway, hentai being what it is, I eventually stumbled into the world of futanaris (people with both a penis and a vagina) as well as what are called, in that realm, “dickgirls” (a person with a female body but with a penis instead of a vagina). Initially I was a bit turned off by it, but eventually the stories where the dickgirls dominate and humiliate the submissive guys were just too hot for me to resist, as having a genuine dick (rather than just a strap-on) allows for even more kinky scenarios of domination.

But I thought it would stay a fetish for drawings only. The idea of real life “dickgirls” didn’t really appeal to me, as I was very skeptical about the possibility of them being as convincingly feminine as the ones in the drawings, plus a cartoon drawn dick is one thing and a real live one is another. But eventually I stumbled into a video of a “ladyboy” from Thailand… and by God, it was a real life dickgirl in the (delicious) flesh. She was more gorgeous and sensual than the most of the women I’d seen.

The first video I saw was just her being interviewed by some guy, but then I found actual pornographic videos of her, and well… I started masturbating to those despite myself, being turned on by the thought of this beautiful, feminine person dominating me with her (rather impressive) cock and making me serve her to completion.

I had a lot of inner conflict around this time and after every orgasm came an incredible sense of shame during those moments of post-nut clarity. But I couldn’t stop. Soon I largely lost interest in more vanilla porn with regular women and started masturbating almost exclusively to dickgirls/ladyboys, or at least women with a strap-on. The thought of being throat-fucked in particular was such a turn on. I was forced to admit to myself that I might actually enjoy such an experience in real life, but I didn’t believe that would ever actually happen, since I didn’t want to fly all the way to Thailand for such an experience.

Recently, though, I found out there were transfeminine sex workers available not too far from where I live as well, and after much hesitation and deliberation and apprehension, I went ahead and scheduled a session with one that looked remarkably feminine and attractive. Because even though I was now open to the idea of engaging with a real life penis, I still felt zero attraction to the male physique, so if it were to be a dick attached to one, I would have no interest in it. It had to be a sexy, curvy, soft, hairless female body, only with a penis instead of a vagina. And even then I was still insanely nervous and worried that I would freeze up the moment I was actually face to face with that sex worker and their cock.

No, actually, that’s not even what I was most worried about. If I am being completely honest, I was anxious about the possibility that I would genuinely love the experience and thus have to deal with the implications for the rest of my life. Even though I was going through all this effort to see this person (she was still 1 hour away from me), a part of me actually wished that I would be turned off by the experience after all, so I could just forget the whole thing and return to being attracted exclusively to vagina-possessing women, who are much more aplenty and available and more widely accepted by our prejudiced society.

Awakening: coming face to face with the dragon

But alas, when the time came, I did not freeze up whilst faced with that sex worker’s cock… not in the slightest. I know this tale is rather long already, but please excuse me while I describe how this encounter went, and read at your own discretion because I will be very explicit.

I was incredibly nervous and my heart was racing when I entered her apartment. She lead me into the bedroom and asked me how I wanted it. I told her I wasn’t really into anal so I’d rather we stuck to handjobs/oral/69 and whatnot. But I wanted to start slowly so I asked if we could begin by me just licking her feet for a little while. She told me to go ahead. She sat on the bed while I kneeled in front of her and licked one of her feet, and while I did that she would use the other to play with my cock and balls. I was insanely turned on by that alone. I’d only had the most vanilla sexual experiences with a woman before, nothing kinky like that.

Anyway, it didn’t take long for the moment of truth. She must have gotten bored of the foot play, because she soon put down her feet and opened her legs wide, displaying her fully erect penis just a few inches from my face.

She didn’t even say anything, and as I looked at it, I felt my heart pump harder than ever. I mumbled “Is it okay if I…” but I’m not sure she even heard me or said anything in response. Next thing I knew, I was spontaneously bringing my hands and mouth to her cock… and I plunged right in, without any real hesitation whatsoever.

In the beginning I had a brief moment of depersonalization where I was almost watching myself and thinking, “Wow, look at you, you’re actually doing it… There’s no going back now – you’re officially a cocksucker.”

But then I just lost myself in it… and I did everything. I licked it all over, balls included, I sucked it vociferously, I gleefully let her slap it all over my extended tongue, and soon I was asking her to change positions and sit on my face so I could suck harder. She laid me out on the bed with my head near the edge, plunged her cock into my mouth and asked me to open it wider… and that’s when the deep throating began. It was an incredible sensation. At one point I was choking so hard (and loud) on her cock that I almost couldn’t breathe, but I didn’t care -- it was insanely arousing to have my throat viciously fucked like that.

Eventually she stopped and started putting a condom on herself and I was confused. I didn’t want to suck a dick with a condom on, I wanted to stay with the raw deal. But she just asked (in her surprisingly soft and feminine voice), “Are you sure you don’t want to try taking it in the ass?” and well, being the natural submissive I am, I was simply unable to resist and promptly got all on fours and asked her to be gentle since it was my first time.

So I lost my anal virginity as well, even though I had come without any intention of indulging into anal play. It was a bit painful, to be honest. As I mentioned above, I had tried sticking my finger in my anus a few times before, but nothing too deep and I didn’t really enjoy it that much. But now with an actual dick inside me, even though the physical sensation itself was overall more painful than pleasurable, the feeling of being dominated and fucked like that was still arousing and had me moaning like a bitch in the heat.

But it still didn’t turn me on anywhere near as much as the oral, so after a short while I was begging her, “When you’re about to cum, please let me drink it.” She said “alright” and before long, she removed her cock from my anus, came up to my face, grabbed me by the hair and started stroking herself in my face. I opened my mouth wide and stuck my tongue out in ecstatic anticipation. After all those drawings of dickgirls and videos of ladyboys, the experience of being cummed on and made to swallow it had a become a vivid fantasy of mine.

And well, let’s just say that the actual thing very much lived up to the hype. It was such an insane rush to feel her hot viscous liquid streaming into my mouth. I swallowed the first couple of loads and then I begged her to put some on my face as well and she did. She came a ton, in fact, and my face was all smeared with cum. But I kept going; I just couldn’t let go of the D. I squeezed every drop out of it and cleaned it up so hungrily that she even had to warn me to be more gentle since she had just come and obviously your dick is more sensitive at that point.

Then she got up for a little while and I just lay there with a total ahegao (google it if you need to) on my face while I used my fingers to bring the lingering cum on my face to my lips so I could lick and swallow some more of that delicious nectar. I was feeling like the world’s biggest slut and loving it.

I still hadn’t orgasmed myself, though, so in order to get me off, she put a condom on me and started riding me with her ass. But even though my own penis was actually being stimulated there, I didn’t enjoy it nearly as much as giving head. In fact, I was unable to cum through penetration (this had actually happened to me before with my ex-girlfriend as well), so eventually she got tired of riding me and just kept going at it with her hand, but in the end I was simply unable to cum, likely due to the nerves and performance anxiety, as well as the anxiety medication I’m on, whose side effects include making it more difficult to reach orgasm. So yeah, I paid a hundred bucks and didn’t even come, but I didn’t care much. The experience of giving head alone was more than rewarding enough. It was probably the most thrilling experience of my life.

The Aftermath: what am I and what lies ahead?

This happened yesterday. I could barely sleep last night. I just lay in bed reliving the experience in my mind. I had to masturbate twice to calm myself down (even with the medication, I can still cum if I’m the one handling it), all the while wishing I could be sucking on that dick some more right now.

And well, that’s where I’m at right now… and I’m just… confused and lost and a little afraid. I imagine some of you (if anyone’s bothered to read this ridiculously long-winded tale, anyway) will now be thinking that I’m just a homosexual in denial, that there’s no way you can love sucking dick this much and not be simply gay.

And I can understand if you think that. Over the last 24 hours I’ve been questioning myself as well, e.g. “Did anime make me gay?” (go ahead and laugh), “Where do I go from here?” and more importantly, “Am I doomed to be unable to have relationships with regular, vagina-possessing women now?”

Because there is no denying anymore that dicks turn me on infinitely more than vaginas. But if it was just about the dick, I know I could download Grindr and I would probably eventually find some gay dude who would be happy to have me suck his dick. But that’s the thing… I’m still not into dudes. I may be much more attracted to penises and giving head than vaginas and cunnilingus, but I still feel the same way about the overall physique of a person. I still love the female form. I still want nothing to do with manly bodies. I’ve never felt attracted to a guy in life, whereas I’ve felt attracted to and fallen in love with multiple women (obviously, what’s inside their pants doesn’t really factor into that).

But now I’ve got to reconcile my preference for the female form with this crazy, incomprehensible cock lust I’ve acquired. And since I went ahead and tasted the real thing, I wonder if even having a girlfriend willing to use a strap-on would be enough to satisfy this urge I have. And finding a girl like that is already enough of a challenge (I’ve been looking for a while now with no luck), and that goes double or triple for finding, you know, a girl with a cock (use whatever terminology you want to describe them, the term is beside the point). Well, one that would be willing to be with me without my having to pay for her time, of course.

I might resort to a sex worker again in the future because I really want to experience that again and I don’t really see it happening otherwise, but naturally I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing that, not only for monetary and safety reasons, but also because, like most people, I long for a fulfilling relationship with a genuine romantic and emotional component and all that good stuff. In fact, I can only imagine how even more enthralling it would be to give head to someone I actually have feelings for… but alas, that just seems like a pipe dream to me.

So, um, after all that rambling, I’m not even sure how to wrap this up and what question(s) to ask… I guess I’m just open to any advice in navigating the weirdness and complexity of sexuality, and curious to know if anyone has gone through anything similar and how they dealt with it?

And apologies if any of my terminology was offensive to anyone, that was not my intent. I respect anyone with any body type or gender identity. But I will admit that a part of me wishes I just felt attracted to vaginas and women with them like the rest of my guy friends, as it would make things a whole lot simpler. Because the way I am now, I don’t feel comfortable talking to any friend or relative about my sexuality (hence my coming here lol).