Ive (29F) been dating my boyfriend (29M) for almost 6 months. From the beginning, I told him porn was okay, but paying for OF is not. He had said he used to when he was single but he stopped when we got together. I trusted him.

To be clear: we watch porn (spankbang, pornhub, even twitter) together. When I am with him, we have sex like crazy. I never turn him down. I tell him he can ask for nudes whenever he wants (he never asks). I give blowjobs (enthusiastically, and without being prompted) often, and I never even ask for it in return.

So, number one: 1 night we were watching Youtube and he got up to change the tab. I saw a folder of nudes and promptly freaked. I thought it was a folder of nudes from girls he knew. My mind jumped to him hoarding pics and it made me nervous. He said it was just porn - and when I pressed he said it was Onlyfans. I said you know how I feel about OF, why would you keep the photos?

He said he had paid for them and had just felt more ownership basically over the pics and he wasn’t really thinking about my feelings past not currently subbing to OF girls. I told him I didn’t like that. He deleted it in front of me. The next morning, I was still anxious over the fact that the nudes were pretty bad quality (not OF material, in my humble opinion). I asked him who she was. He said it was a girl from his college. He graduated from college 10 years ago. I was even more upset at this information. I pressed if he knew her, was following her, and he said no to both. Said she was just some girl known at his school for spicy stuff.

I asked him and made him swear he wasn’t following anyone inappropriate on IG. I told him I find it disrespectful when men like thirst traps or follow those type of girls. But especially ESPECIALLY the liking, I hate.

A few weeks go by and I cant help it, I’m wracked with anxiety. I look through his IG following one day. It’s pretty clean. No one looks inherently like an OF girl. Just lots of girls probably from his college, and most of them private, a few of them I know. One girl I see has a bikini photo and he recently liked it back in Sept (so, before the OF incident).

I start getting upset again, wondering who she is. Wondering if he’s lying to me and actively engaging in content from women he KNOWS in real life. I have a meltdown one night last week and make him pull up his IG to show me his recent searches. Then I asked him who she is.

He says they met on an international school trip back in college. I ask if they’re still friends. He says no. I asked why he would like it knowing I expressed I find that disrespectful. He couldn’t really answer. I asked, is it because she’s hot and it’s a hot photo? And he shrugged and quietly said, Yeah, I guess. I asked do you like having her follow you still? Is it an ego boost? He quietly said yeah, I guess so.

He also went onto explain that a lot of who he follows are snapshots in time. So ex this girl from this wonderful school trip to mexico. and it’s a nice sense of nostalgia for him to keep following people like that.

I asked about another girl who had a bikini photo in her profile pic but was private and he didn’t answer.

I also asked who this other girl he searched up was - it was a coworker he said - but I quickly found out she wasn’t a current coworker through common deduction. Then I was angry he would lie about that. If she isn’t your current coworker, why the heck would you say is she your coworker?

I won’t go into the meaningless details of our hours long convo, but the gist is basically he knows I’m hurt. He knows especially that I dont enjoy the personal proximity behavior on IG. I’ve done some inner thinking and have come to terms to be okay with him looking at spicy OF instagrams so long as he doesn’t follow or pay for them. But I am extremely hurt and anxious over the idea that he is following regular girls he has met before and is using their profiles as fap material, or even just mindlessly following hot girls because, why not, I guess?

During the convo, he suggested couples counseling. And then he said he could unfollow her and make her unfollow him. I felt guilty and cried and said I won’t explicitly ask for that because I didn’t want to be a controlling, insecure girlfriend who audits who he follows. I said only he can do what he thinks is right. It’s been about a week and since then he hasn’t unfollowed anyone on his list.

I feel like coming back to him and asking him to unfollow this girl he will never see again as a gesture of good faith that he is truly sorry and won’t cross my boundaries and is serious about me. Is that too much? Am I overreacting about all this? I feel as if he’s lied to me a few times and I am unsure if he’s long term material. He’s sweet, soft spoken and constantly listens to my feelings and apologizing, but I feel as if it’s all words. I don’t feel as if there’s action to accompany it .

His birthday is this Friday and I’ve been trying to cool off and let him have a good week but I’m afraid I simply won’t get past the lies.

I asked him why he would lie to me. He said he doesn’t know. but that he’s sorry. And that he won’t do it again. I told him if I find out he’s lying to me one more time, I’d leave.

A few days ago he got drunk and cried, asking if I’d dump him once his bday is over- I said no. But I’d be lying if I wasn’t thinking about it. I don’t want to, I love him.

He has also said he wouldn’t care if I liked guys on instagram, followed, had a folder of dicks, etc basically didn’t matter what I do with my masturbation, as long as i dont cheat. I almost wonder if this is shitty to say because he knows I wouldn’t do that. Alternatively, he also has said he doesn’t mind if i post sexy pics on instagram because i’m hot and he can’t stop guys from looking at me. Very confusing all around. I think this is why he’s open to couples counseling bc clearly one person is liberal surrounding this topic and the other is not.

So in general: wondering how people here in a more liberal minded subreddit would react over this. Am I being too conservative?